Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life

Most of us, knowingly or not, think of our lives as a story. We have an idea of what we think might happen next, feelings about what we want to happen, and our own understanding of what has happened in the story so far. This narrative of what has happened so far in our stories is what I'm writing about today. Our narrative explains how things currently are and how we got to where we are. It justifies how we see ourselves and the world around us.

Our narrative helps us to prioritize and filter out information. It helps us to justify our hopes and desires. It's foundational to our worldview. We build a coherent narrative for our lives to make sense of a complex world, one which we actually have very little control over. The problem with this is that we sometimes build a narrative that justifies or ignores ideas and behaviours that actually hurt us or the people around us. We sometimes take a self satisfying position. We build a narrative of our lives that fortifies our self doubt and helplessness, that either skims over or magnifies our flaws rather than looking at ourselves realistically and challenging us to improve.   

While we may not have control over external factors in our lives, we do have a lot of influence over our selves and the people around us. 

When something contradicts our own beliefs, values, or sense of self (summed up in our narrative) we either disregard it, or we get defensive about it. It can be easy to dismiss a challenge to our narrative. 

But... sometimes we really need to listen to those challenges. Sometimes it's the difference between us moving forward or staying in a rut. Sometimes we let ourselves get away with failing ourselves and the people around us and explaining it all away because we've framed a situation in a certain way. It's easy to make excuses and invalidate the experiences of others to serve our needs and enhance our sense of self. It's easy because it requires no further thought or consideration and many of us have not trained our minds to think in that way. 

It takes work and practice and an ongoing commitment to really thinking about the context and relationships involved in a situation to get better at this. It's a process, it's a journey. It's not some quick fix thing, but it's worth it. 

Think of the last time you felt upset towards someone or something. How did you react to that? Did you lash out? Did you spend the afternoon sulking? How much of this reaction was tied to your ego, or sense of self? How much of it was tied to your own expectations of how the situation would go?

Our expectations of the world emerge from our narratives, and are parameters that we're able to choose. Sometimes the situation isn't the problem. Sometimes there isn't someone else to blame.  Sometimes the problem really is in our narratives. Sometimes the solution is in empowering ourselves to take ownership of the circumstances we can. The problem is often in our own explanation or expectation. It's our expectations not being met that usually unsettles us, we hate uncertainty. Sometimes our narratives are not helpful or useful, sometimes we frame the world around us in a way that hurts us and the people around us.

That's important to think about.

It's not always necessary to change the situation, sometimes we're just looking at it the wrong way. 

Value the constructive criticisms, value the challenges, value the opportunities to grow, and value the experiences and perspectives of others. Don't interpret everything as a personal attack or a reason to just lay down and give up. Remember, this is a process. We won't always be perfect, but if we're doing our best and open to learning we're going to go a lot further than if we're closed off.

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know.

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know

Communications scholars and other scientists have long been aware of the important role of non-verbal communication. The tiny facial tics, the way we carry ourselves, how we may make eye contact with one person and avoid it with another. Some suggest that less than 10% of our communication is actually transmitted through our carefully or not so carefully selected spoken words.

This means that our non-verbal communication is hugely important.

The good news is that much of it is possible to change. To really look at how to do that better, we need to understand a few basic things.

Values and Norms 

Every one of us is seeing the world around us through a particular lens. While this worldview is our own in that probably nobody else will grow up in the exact same circumstances as us, it is still based in those circumstances. The worldview that we adopt is built out of the time in history and geographic location that we're living in. The way that we will choose to interact with the world around us will be mostly based on these ideas we've adopted. In that way, those ideas are handed down to us. Those are values. Social prescriptions determined by the circumstances that we're born into. Norms are acceptable behaviours based on values.

Yes, this has everything to do with how we communicate.

Culture

Culture is a term used to describe how any group of people explains the world around them and how to interact with it. Culture guides values and norms, it is the system of beliefs that cultivates and supports them. It includes how we behave, the language(s) we are expected to speak, the shared or common meaning of gestures and words in the language. It's often shaped by the complicated histories of the region where the culture dominates.

In terms of communication, we learn culturally what to expect from the people and the world around us. When these expectations are not met by us or by others around us, people tend to be upset because it seems to attack their worldview. The culture we've adopted helps to define a certain perspective and provide some guidelines about how to behave and communicate to build social bonds.

Of course these things vary from family to family, neighbourhood, town, etc.. but generally there's a dominant strain of culture that defines certain expectations and unwritten rules that the majority of people adhere to when out in the public interacting with others. The difference is in the level of immediacy of the communication. We learn about culture through a process of socialization.

Socialization

This is where it all ties together. Socialization teaches us how to use and interpret words and non verbal communication. This is where we start to run into problems.

Our culture attaches some generally agreed upon meaning to a word. A symbol and a sound. We learn these meanings in a certain time and place and attach our own personal understanding to them based on our worldview, our values and experiences. We then use these words to communicate our understanding of them. To put the idea out there that we want to convey. We need these words, we depend on these words.

The problem is that words sometimes have many different formal meanings, and unique personal meanings to individuals. It's not uncommon for people to choose meanings other than what you meant. In fact, it happens all the time.

You can probably think of times where you've been saying something that you thought was common knowledge, while your recipient looked confused or responded differently than you expected. Only to ask you a moment later what you meant by the words you chose. Think of the times in your life when you've been talking to a specialist in some field who has loaded their interaction with you up with jargon and forced you to make due with educated guesses based on their tone of voice and body language.

There is always much more being communicated than just words.

Non-Verbal Communication

When we aren't sure about what words mean, we look to the non verbal indicators to understand what the communicator is trying to say. Perceived meaning is based more on how something is said and how the messenger looks. The look on their face and tone of voice.

Basically, when we're not totally understanding what someone is saying, we use their non verbal indicators to fill in the blanks or make assumptions about what they're communicating.

For example, you're on vacation and aren't fluent in the use of the regional language. A local approaches you smiling and trying to tell you something. You're able to make out some of the basic words but aren't entirely sure what they said and so aren't sure how to respond. You apologize for your lack of understanding but leave the interaction feeling good because judging from their tone of voice, the look on their face, and their laid back body language you pieced together that they were just trying to tell you a joke as a friendly gesture. Getting back to your hotel you look up some of the words you picked up that weren't sure about and sure enough, they were telling you a joke that was actually pretty funny and unfortunately wasted on you.  

Non verbal indicators are going on all of the time and informing our understanding of every interaction we have. In this way, non-verbal indicators can reinforce or contradict verbal messages, sometimes negating what is actually being said (think shaking your head no while saying yes or curtly responding that your day was fine when asked "how are you?").

This is important to think about because it has a lot to do with building and changing our relationships. Most of the time, the non-verbal signals we're sending off during communication are unintentional, happening at a subconscious level. They're critical parts of our communication that we rarely think about or have much awareness of.

If we think about using non-verbal indicators more consciously and deliberately, we can use them to our advantage. We can start to identify and remedy behaviors that aren't helping us communicate the way we want.

Touch is a good example of a non-verbal signal. Touch can be a very powerful communicator. In Canada, we tend to be a generally low expressive culture. In many circles, touch is limited to handshakes and maybe a hug here and there. Although touch is often limited in it's use, it is still expected in many circumstances. To not shake hands coming into a job interview or meeting with a potential client would seem strange, even off putting to most, while a gentle hand on the shoulder or back can indicate closeness and warmth to a friend you're discussing something sensitive with. It seems to say "I'm here for you". A hug may say "I'm happy to see you" or "It was great to see you" with no verbal communication at all.

Like most communication, successfully doing this requires an understanding of the dynamic of your relationship with the person you're trying to communicate with. This basically means an ongoing assessment of their non verbal cues toward you and cross referencing that with your historical knowledge of who they are and how they like to communicate and are comfortable with. Then filtering that through your own personal boundaries, identity, and understanding of how to communicate and coming up with how to interact with them. Then fitting all of that into whatever social context you're in. For some of us, this comes pretty naturally and our brains do all of this for us in a split second. For others, it may take some practice, but it'll be worth it and you and all of your relationships will benefit.

Here's a quick summary of a few things to be cognizant of when taking part in non-verbal communication (all the time). Non-verbal communication:

1. Affects verbal communication

• Can replace a verbal message 
• Can reinforce a verbal message
• Can contradict a verbal message

2. Shapes the relationship we're building with another person

• How we look at someone - gaze
• The distance between you
• The use of touch
• When and how our voice rises and falls

3. Directly communicates our emotions before and during verbal messages

• The look on our face (happy, sad, scared, angry, surprised, disgusted)
• The sound of our voice

That's it for this very basic article. Be sure to share this with your socially awkward friends/enemies, the people who stand way too close to you, and your one friend who is always making uncomfortable advances to strangers with complete lack of self-awareness! Stay tuned for more.

Kick Stress Today. 5 Real Tips You Can Try Right Now.

If you've never been stressed and don't get what the big deal is, turn off your laptop, put your head down on your desk or the magical (presumably soft, cotton-y) cloud that you're living on, close your beautiful eyes on your wrinkle free, remarkably soft face, and go back to sleep. 

For everyone else who goes through stress on a semi-regular or regular basis, come on in.

I had to write about stress today because it can be a massive productivity killer. 
If you've experienced this, you know exactly what I'm talking about: you feel so overwhelmed that you opt to do nothing rather than deal with the list of things you have on your plate.

First, take a deep breath. You're not alone. 

Stress is one of the most widespread and debilitating problems that many of us deal with on a daily basis. In a sense, stress is a really mean and imposing pirate that is hijacking your body against all of your rational sensibilities. 

When you're under a lot of stress, you'll find it tough to think about anything other than the stressor, and your non-essential bodily functions are thrown aside as your body goes into "fight or flight" mode. Your immune system's down (uh oh you're getting sick), your reproductive system's down (sorry honey), and your digestive and growth systems aren't working so well.

Let me just pause for a second here and apologize for stressing you out by describing stress. 
It's important to understand what's going on in our bodies and why dealing with stress in healthy ways matters.

Bare with me...  

The other problem with this stress is... you probably don't have to fight or run away from anything. Your life is most likely not being threatened at the moment (hopefully) and you also probably can't run away from whatever it is that your mind would prefer to avoid.
This is absolutely key to beating the stress you're feeling. 

Read it again. 

Say it to yourself:
"I'm not currently running for my life from a predator who is trying to eat me.
I'm not currently running for my life from a predator who is trying to eat me.
I'm not currently running for my life from a predator who is trying to eat me."


If you are, call the police and stop reading until you are in a safe place.  

I'm making a big deal about this because it's how you're going to start take the steps to beat your stress. Something important to do not just for the immediate benefits to your ability to get things done, but for your long term health and the people around you who are putting up with your stressed out ass everyday. 




According to Robert Sapolsky (Titan of stress research & Professor of Neurology and Neurological Sciences at Stanford, all around intellectual bad-ass), "If you plan to get stressed like a normal mammal, you had better turn on the stress response or else you're dead. But if you get chronically, psychosocially stressed, like a Westernized human, then you are more at risk for heart disease and some of the other leading causes of death in Westernized life." (from here)



Makes sense though right? If you've been under extreme stress you may have felt like leaving entirely or throwing your phone off of a bridge (Spoiler alert: if your stress is this bad, it might not be a completely terrible idea to lose your work phone). You may have gotten sick, said something you regret to someone you care about, not gone to work or class, etc... 

The point is, you aren't totally screwed. Even if you have been experiencing chronic stress for a long time. Even if you have deeply embedded trauma from your childhood and stress has been a feature of your life as long as you've known. You aren't screwed. 

Sapolsky goes on "We are capable of social supports that no other primate can even dream of, for example, I might say, 'This job, where I'm a lowly mailroom clerk, really doesn't matter. What really matters is that I'm the captain of my softball team or deacon of my church'—that sort of thing. It's not just somebody sitting here, grooming you with their own hands. We can actually feel comfort from the discovery that somebody on the other side of the planet is going through the same experience we are and feel, I'm not alone. We can even take comfort reading about a fictional character, and there's no primate out there that can feel better in life just by listening to Beethoven. So the range of supports that we're capable of is extraordinary." 

Sapolsky notes that "An extraordinary finding that's been replicated over and over is that once you get past the 25 percent or so poorest countries on Earth, where the only question is survival and subsistence, there is no relationship between gross national product, per capita income, any of those things, and levels of happiness."

What does this all mean for how we can reduce our own stress levels, you ask? 
Let's break it down into 5 things and how to do them:

1) Slow the hell down pt. I 

Have you noticed how when you're stressed and rushing around you end up forgetting things? Here's the thing. If you're already running late for that meeting, you may as well do it gracefully. Coming in like a wrecking ball might be popular in some circles, but your co-workers, friends, or family would probably be happy to just receive a call or message informing them that you're running a little bit behind and an estimate of when you will get there. Slowing the hell down pt I is the mental process of slowing down. In other words, starting inside and working out. Get control of yourself mentally and emotionally. This can be done through the art of self-talk (try it first) or a similar mental process of breaking down how you're feeling. Imagine yourself through the eyes of someone else at the moment. Imagine if you were being filmed and shown the footage, do you like what you see? What would you change about it? You don't have to be ashamed of yourself, everyone gets stressed but it's how we deal with it that matters, right? For small stressors it might be enough to simply ask yourself "Could I be dealing with this better?" 
If working through the stress in such an intangible, imaginative way isn't working for you then try #2.   

2) Slow the hell down pt. II

The "Slow the hell down pt. II" technique is about starting with your body and working your way in. This has historically been referred to as such things as: "taking a breather" or "going for a walk". Part of the reason for the historical popularity of these techniques is the fact that they often work. Taking five minutes to get out of your head and into your body can have a huge impact on how you're reacting to stress. This can be something as simple as stopping at the washroom after a long day at work, splashing some cold water on your face and consciously just releasing some of the tension from your body. That sounds vague, I know. Think about it though. When you're stressed, your body is tense. 

Soften your face.

Breathe. 

Consciously, do an inventory from head to toe of your muscles. Tighten them up and then release and relax them one by one. This might take 5 minutes.

You probably know best what this can look like for you, and if you don't you might have to experiment a bit in order to find what works. A lot of this is going to fall under self care. Common examples are: exercise, drawing a warm bath, the act or ritual of making a hot cup of tea, light some scented candles and just do some stretches.  

3) Re-evaluate 

Sometimes our stress can come about as a result of our values and beliefs. The things that we choose to give priority to over others. For example, you might be feeling stressed about your job or your business. This piece of your life might be something of significant value to you. You may have spent a long time going to school to study for this path, you then spent years working your way up. This piece of your life is a deeply embedded part of your identity. To you, it seems like it is who you are and you're scared to lose it or change. No, not scared. Terrified. Who would you even be? Not to mention that all of your friends and family know you as that person. Oh yeah, and the money. You make pretty good money and you need that. You believe you're stuck there. You don't have enough time to spend with your family or to take care of the basic things you think you should at home. You don't have time for bubble baths, running on ellipticals, doing breathing exercises and all that other crap in #2. I'm using this example because it's a common scenario. Finding the sweet spot when it comes to work/life balance is tough and the experience is going to be different for each of us. The point is, if something is creating a lot of stress in your life then it has to change. And you have to make the conscious choice to change it. Whether it's how you manage it, how much value you place on it, or getting away from it entirely, you'll have to make that decision and work towards it. 

4) Get Social, Go Play

So you haven't had any luck with the intrinsic, personal tips? 
Don't worry, you still aren't screwed! There isn't one answer that's going to work for everybody, and reprogramming your brain to be less stressed might take a combination of some or all of these techniques. A good distraction can go a long way. No, I don't mean repressing your feelings and burying yourself in your own anxious dread. It can be helpful to get out and remember that the world keeps on spinning. Friends and family can be great for this. Many of us have wonderful support networks of people to spend time with. If you don't, remember it's never too late to build new relationships and meet new people (although it can seem daunting). Making a new friend, joining that hobby class, or maybe just going out and being amid others can sometimes be a good way to get some happy hormones blasting through your system. If you have a close friend who you're comfortable talking to it might help to share and get your thoughts out. 

5) Talk to Someone 

Remember what we said earlier? That you aren't a total freak for feeling stressed, that it's a very normal human experience? Remember that? It may be the case that talking to a totally external third party may be helpful. I'm talking about a social worker, a therapist, a doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it could make the difference between feeling trapped in your stress and breaking free from it or coming up with some strategies for managing your stress in a healthier way. It might be that you're stressed out about something very complicated or sensitive. Maybe you feel embarrassed about it. Whatever the case, a trained professional can offer helpful advice about what the next steps could be.


That's it. Remember, you aren't functioning optimally if you're subjecting yourself to stress all the time. Many of us function well under a bit of pressure, but if stress is becoming a problem for you try to slow down, re-evaluate, and connect with someone! You'll find you're getting more done, feeling less run down, and the people around you will thank you for it too.