The Power to Solve People Problems: 5 Practical Paths

People are complicated, so it makes sense that problems involving people are complicated too.

They're complicated because the perceptions, emotions, and goals of others are often different from our own and don't always seem to make a lot of sense to us.

When we don't understand where someone else is coming from or what they want from an interaction it makes us uneasy. It leads to uncertainty and we, as human beings tend to hate uncertainty.

We bend over backwards to try to control situations so that we feel more certain, we put things in place and take great measures to build up an illusion of control. We seek out more information and try to put together a coherent story in our minds about who they are and what they want based on the little information that we have.

We want power in order to manage uncertainty. We want to avoid uncertainty. We have our own goals and outcomes that we want to achieve and the idea that we won't get them is terrifying. We want to succeed, and that means we want to prevent failure. Uncertainty is a good way to sum up a lot of what we fear and don't understand.

Naturally, we have to face uncertainty. Especially in interactions with people.

We meet new people and interact with strangers. We give a presentation to a room full of people we don't know. We drive down crowded streets passing and weaving by hundreds of people with their own perceptions, experiences, and goals.

As much as we may try to avoid having to deal with a situation that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, we will inevitably have to. We can go to the self check out at the grocery store and order food delivered to us. We might avoid having a weird interaction or confrontation with a stranger for years, even decades. It's much more likely that we will have to deal with problems in our everyday relationships, the people we spend time with or see at work day in and day out. Our partners or friends. When that happens, we're going to have to choose to do something.

Power, in one form or another is apparent in every relationship. There are unique and compounded power dynamics in every interpersonal problem we face. For example, an employer having a difficult talk with an employee may have a different approach to the situation than two co-workers or friends talking to each other about a sensitive subject. In both situations there is bound to be stress as there always is in having hard conversations, but the degree of that would be influenced by the power dynamics of the relationship. An employer who has legitimate power to reward and punish an employee will probably not be as stressed out about the interaction as the employee who is worried about losing their job. The same goes for a lot of different social interactions and perceived power. The relationship between a teacher and a student. A woman and her father. A 12 year old boy and his best friend. There are an infinite number of scenarios we could think of for types of relationships and what happens when they come into conflict. If we looked at them all we could identify the different sources of power that the parties have and make decisions about what their best moves might be. In real life we don't have the time to sit back and think about it like that in the heat of the moment, but we do have the time and capacity to think about the situations we commonly face and how they can play out.

So is the employee powerless then? Doomed to a life of uncertainty and dread?

No, is the short answer to this simple hypothetical situation. Everyone has power. 

Is that power equal? No, very rarely.

This is the tension that is a part of every relationship if we really sat down to think about it. There is a degree of uncertainty, and that becomes apparent in times of conflict. In strong relationship we know how to talk to each other, we're aware of ourselves and the way we're perceived. We pay attention to what the other is saying and know what builds them up and what their sensitivities are. We take care to not harp on their sensitivities because we care about the relationship. We don't want to damage them, they're our co-worker, our friend, our employee or our boss. We understand the power that we have, that lets us feel confident about ourselves and we understand the power dynamics of our relationships. With all that said, here are 5 practical takeaways around using our own unique power to solve problems:

1. People hate uncertainty. 

Prevent interpersonal problems by giving people the information they need to assess the situation. Try to think interdependently. We have to learn to acknowledge the fact that relationships aren't all about us. Counter-intuitively this means we sometimes have to share things about ourselves and what we want and need to help others understand us. The first step seems obvious but is something we don't really think about in depth that often. Define what your really want and why you want it for yourself. Figure out what outcomes you want before going into that meeting. Be intentional about what the point is of you doing an activity. Sometimes the answer might be "to relax" or to "have fun" but decide that for yourself and name it, be honest with yourself and the people around you about your intentions.  

2. Conflict is inevitable.

Our goals are going to be different from someone else at some point. We may come into disagreement on an opinion. We will make mistakes. That's inevitable. Being right is not a worthwhile outcome. Solving a problem is. We tend to worry too much about defending our egos and not enough about solving problems in a constructive way. We will come into conflict, we must prepare ourselves to handle it as adults.  

3. Everyone has power.

This is maybe the single most important point, and one that only you can figure out for yourself. Without recognizing the power that we do have, we either end up feeling helpless, or we end up recklessly wielding our power like a giant toddler.

What power do you have? Do you have some kinds of recognizable power in society? Do you have a unique education or specialization? Do you have skills and abilities that you enjoy and that seem to impress others? Think about these things. It's important and will make you more comfortable in social situations. You've had an entire lifetime of experiences. The point is, there are powers that you have that nobody can take away from you. Maybe you're strong, maybe you're tall, maybe you have an incredible voice. Maybe you're a kind and generous person. These might be things you were born with, cultural norms you exemplify, or skills or knowledge you've gained. You will have varying degrees of these powers. Being self aware about these things will help you to not only better understand how you may be perceived in different social situations to help you make smart decisions, but will give you the self confidence and social sense to deal with problems effectively when they come up. Circumstances you're in might add or remove certain powers, people might underestimate you, but don't ever do yourself the disservice of disempowering yourself. Think about the power you have and own it.

4. Use power intelligently.  

Has anybody ever said to you "don't be an asshole." They just might be on to something (or not). Do take the time to consider criticism and look inward. If you're a key decision maker and you've harshly dismissed someone's idea, there is a good chance they felt personally attacked. If you approached a stranger on the street who is minding their own business to "compliment them" and were shocked when they only looked at you in disgust, there is a good chance that they're bothered by strangers all the time and have historically practical reasons to distrust strangers bothering them in the street. Context matters. Relationships matter. Any good manager or leader knows that you are only as good as your team. You could go around and enforce rules with fear by laying down punishments but people will not want to work for you and they won't be productive. They'll call in sick or they will quit. Relationships can amplify positive outcomes. If you're serious about wanting to have good relationships, that being ones that are mutually beneficial, you have to understand how to use power intelligently. Don't just blindly flail around destroying everything around you.

For example: You're having dinner with your family and your younger brother is trying to impress his new boo and introduce them to the family. You're joking around and bring up an embarrassing incident that happened in a past relationship. He is visibly upset and turns bright red. You immediately feel as though you betrayed him, but your ego gets in the way and says "he's being too sensitive, and shouldn't he just be over it by now anyway?". Really, no. He shouldn't. It's not your place to decide, it's not your life and not your experience. In fact, it's an experience that you have very little knowledge about. Put those judgments away and focus on your own actions and behaviours.

Think about the situation, think about the relationship, and think about the power dynamics at play. Just because you're the older sibling doesn't mean you have to dump on him, knowing that it is going to damage your relationship. Yes, jokes are things that are used to build relationships and ease tension in situations all the time. That's true. The point is that the appropriateness of a joke depends entirely on your audience, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. If you make jokes just to make yourself feel more comfortable with little or no consideration of the social context, you might want to rethink that approach.

If you speak just to fill empty space, you're probably not adding a lot of value to the conversation. It may be that you haven't done a very good job of including others. If you have the power and position to do so, consider that important and easy way to use power to build rather than damage relationships. Listen, consult, and pay attention. Not only will this make your relationships stronger, it will help you to better understand the people you're connected to and make decisions.

     

5. That power is not equal. 

You may have less or more power than someone else in a situation. Imagine you're making your pitch to a billionaire hedge fund investor. Stakes are high. You feel that they have the power to make or break your idea. Imagine you're in a job interview for a position you desperately want. Imagine you're on a first date with someone and are nervously gushing internally because you think they're out of your league. When we perceive that we don't have a lot of power in a situation, we tend to make it so and socially bury ourselves. Don't let this happen.

First of all, frame the situation in a way that empowers you. In general, people will mirror back to us what we put out there. Be present, be engaged. Remember that you are powerful, think about the power you have that you identified. You have something to offer that is valuable and worthwhile. Be considered as an equal by behaving as one. You can't control what they think of you, but there is a good chance that if you're feeling comfortable your presence will be better received. Remember, every relationship is interdependent. There is tension on both ends of an interaction. You're a human and so are they. If you're negotiating or dealing with a tense conflict, think very clearly and intentionally about the goals of you and the other party, think about who they are, who you are, and the power dynamics at play. Identify the sources of power for both of you and how you can come to a win-win agreement or compromise. Make allies that will help give you more referential power. A very powerful skill even if you have trouble identifying other sources of power for yourself can be your ability to make sound rational arguments and emotional appeals that are relevant and appropriate. Making a sound case and aligning goals just makes sense.

If you have more power in a situation, level the playing field. Recognize the situation and do your best to make other parties comfortable and feel accepted. Again, listen, consult, and pay attention. If you have something important to talk about together, you will come to a better outcome the more equal your relationship. When we say better outcome, we mean an outcome that is mutually beneficial and satisfying to the parties involved. Recognize your interdependence. This may mean you actually have to go out of your way to build trust, giving away power. We do this in relationships all the time. If you're a supervisor on a job site, you understand that enforcement and control might get employees to adhere to basic standards, but it will not take them to a deep level of commitment to their work, you, or the company as a whole. Leaders recognize that people have power and work to bring it out in them.

Despite all the complex layers of identity and power, at the core of our relationships, people want to feel valued and understood. If we try to keep those things in mind the rest will follow.

Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life

Most of us, knowingly or not, think of our lives as a story. We have an idea of what we think might happen next, feelings about what we want to happen, and our own understanding of what has happened in the story so far. This narrative of what has happened so far in our stories is what I'm writing about today. Our narrative explains how things currently are and how we got to where we are. It justifies how we see ourselves and the world around us.

Our narrative helps us to prioritize and filter out information. It helps us to justify our hopes and desires. It's foundational to our worldview. We build a coherent narrative for our lives to make sense of a complex world, one which we actually have very little control over. The problem with this is that we sometimes build a narrative that justifies or ignores ideas and behaviours that actually hurt us or the people around us. We sometimes take a self satisfying position. We build a narrative of our lives that fortifies our self doubt and helplessness, that either skims over or magnifies our flaws rather than looking at ourselves realistically and challenging us to improve.   

While we may not have control over external factors in our lives, we do have a lot of influence over our selves and the people around us. 

When something contradicts our own beliefs, values, or sense of self (summed up in our narrative) we either disregard it, or we get defensive about it. It can be easy to dismiss a challenge to our narrative. 

But... sometimes we really need to listen to those challenges. Sometimes it's the difference between us moving forward or staying in a rut. Sometimes we let ourselves get away with failing ourselves and the people around us and explaining it all away because we've framed a situation in a certain way. It's easy to make excuses and invalidate the experiences of others to serve our needs and enhance our sense of self. It's easy because it requires no further thought or consideration and many of us have not trained our minds to think in that way. 

It takes work and practice and an ongoing commitment to really thinking about the context and relationships involved in a situation to get better at this. It's a process, it's a journey. It's not some quick fix thing, but it's worth it. 

Think of the last time you felt upset towards someone or something. How did you react to that? Did you lash out? Did you spend the afternoon sulking? How much of this reaction was tied to your ego, or sense of self? How much of it was tied to your own expectations of how the situation would go?

Our expectations of the world emerge from our narratives, and are parameters that we're able to choose. Sometimes the situation isn't the problem. Sometimes there isn't someone else to blame.  Sometimes the problem really is in our narratives. Sometimes the solution is in empowering ourselves to take ownership of the circumstances we can. The problem is often in our own explanation or expectation. It's our expectations not being met that usually unsettles us, we hate uncertainty. Sometimes our narratives are not helpful or useful, sometimes we frame the world around us in a way that hurts us and the people around us.

That's important to think about.

It's not always necessary to change the situation, sometimes we're just looking at it the wrong way. 

Value the constructive criticisms, value the challenges, value the opportunities to grow, and value the experiences and perspectives of others. Don't interpret everything as a personal attack or a reason to just lay down and give up. Remember, this is a process. We won't always be perfect, but if we're doing our best and open to learning we're going to go a lot further than if we're closed off.

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know.

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know

Communications scholars and other scientists have long been aware of the important role of non-verbal communication. The tiny facial tics, the way we carry ourselves, how we may make eye contact with one person and avoid it with another. Some suggest that less than 10% of our communication is actually transmitted through our carefully or not so carefully selected spoken words.

This means that our non-verbal communication is hugely important.

The good news is that much of it is possible to change. To really look at how to do that better, we need to understand a few basic things.

Values and Norms 

Every one of us is seeing the world around us through a particular lens. While this worldview is our own in that probably nobody else will grow up in the exact same circumstances as us, it is still based in those circumstances. The worldview that we adopt is built out of the time in history and geographic location that we're living in. The way that we will choose to interact with the world around us will be mostly based on these ideas we've adopted. In that way, those ideas are handed down to us. Those are values. Social prescriptions determined by the circumstances that we're born into. Norms are acceptable behaviours based on values.

Yes, this has everything to do with how we communicate.

Culture

Culture is a term used to describe how any group of people explains the world around them and how to interact with it. Culture guides values and norms, it is the system of beliefs that cultivates and supports them. It includes how we behave, the language(s) we are expected to speak, the shared or common meaning of gestures and words in the language. It's often shaped by the complicated histories of the region where the culture dominates.

In terms of communication, we learn culturally what to expect from the people and the world around us. When these expectations are not met by us or by others around us, people tend to be upset because it seems to attack their worldview. The culture we've adopted helps to define a certain perspective and provide some guidelines about how to behave and communicate to build social bonds.

Of course these things vary from family to family, neighbourhood, town, etc.. but generally there's a dominant strain of culture that defines certain expectations and unwritten rules that the majority of people adhere to when out in the public interacting with others. The difference is in the level of immediacy of the communication. We learn about culture through a process of socialization.

Socialization

This is where it all ties together. Socialization teaches us how to use and interpret words and non verbal communication. This is where we start to run into problems.

Our culture attaches some generally agreed upon meaning to a word. A symbol and a sound. We learn these meanings in a certain time and place and attach our own personal understanding to them based on our worldview, our values and experiences. We then use these words to communicate our understanding of them. To put the idea out there that we want to convey. We need these words, we depend on these words.

The problem is that words sometimes have many different formal meanings, and unique personal meanings to individuals. It's not uncommon for people to choose meanings other than what you meant. In fact, it happens all the time.

You can probably think of times where you've been saying something that you thought was common knowledge, while your recipient looked confused or responded differently than you expected. Only to ask you a moment later what you meant by the words you chose. Think of the times in your life when you've been talking to a specialist in some field who has loaded their interaction with you up with jargon and forced you to make due with educated guesses based on their tone of voice and body language.

There is always much more being communicated than just words.

Non-Verbal Communication

When we aren't sure about what words mean, we look to the non verbal indicators to understand what the communicator is trying to say. Perceived meaning is based more on how something is said and how the messenger looks. The look on their face and tone of voice.

Basically, when we're not totally understanding what someone is saying, we use their non verbal indicators to fill in the blanks or make assumptions about what they're communicating.

For example, you're on vacation and aren't fluent in the use of the regional language. A local approaches you smiling and trying to tell you something. You're able to make out some of the basic words but aren't entirely sure what they said and so aren't sure how to respond. You apologize for your lack of understanding but leave the interaction feeling good because judging from their tone of voice, the look on their face, and their laid back body language you pieced together that they were just trying to tell you a joke as a friendly gesture. Getting back to your hotel you look up some of the words you picked up that weren't sure about and sure enough, they were telling you a joke that was actually pretty funny and unfortunately wasted on you.  

Non verbal indicators are going on all of the time and informing our understanding of every interaction we have. In this way, non-verbal indicators can reinforce or contradict verbal messages, sometimes negating what is actually being said (think shaking your head no while saying yes or curtly responding that your day was fine when asked "how are you?").

This is important to think about because it has a lot to do with building and changing our relationships. Most of the time, the non-verbal signals we're sending off during communication are unintentional, happening at a subconscious level. They're critical parts of our communication that we rarely think about or have much awareness of.

If we think about using non-verbal indicators more consciously and deliberately, we can use them to our advantage. We can start to identify and remedy behaviors that aren't helping us communicate the way we want.

Touch is a good example of a non-verbal signal. Touch can be a very powerful communicator. In Canada, we tend to be a generally low expressive culture. In many circles, touch is limited to handshakes and maybe a hug here and there. Although touch is often limited in it's use, it is still expected in many circumstances. To not shake hands coming into a job interview or meeting with a potential client would seem strange, even off putting to most, while a gentle hand on the shoulder or back can indicate closeness and warmth to a friend you're discussing something sensitive with. It seems to say "I'm here for you". A hug may say "I'm happy to see you" or "It was great to see you" with no verbal communication at all.

Like most communication, successfully doing this requires an understanding of the dynamic of your relationship with the person you're trying to communicate with. This basically means an ongoing assessment of their non verbal cues toward you and cross referencing that with your historical knowledge of who they are and how they like to communicate and are comfortable with. Then filtering that through your own personal boundaries, identity, and understanding of how to communicate and coming up with how to interact with them. Then fitting all of that into whatever social context you're in. For some of us, this comes pretty naturally and our brains do all of this for us in a split second. For others, it may take some practice, but it'll be worth it and you and all of your relationships will benefit.

Here's a quick summary of a few things to be cognizant of when taking part in non-verbal communication (all the time). Non-verbal communication:

1. Affects verbal communication

• Can replace a verbal message 
• Can reinforce a verbal message
• Can contradict a verbal message

2. Shapes the relationship we're building with another person

• How we look at someone - gaze
• The distance between you
• The use of touch
• When and how our voice rises and falls

3. Directly communicates our emotions before and during verbal messages

• The look on our face (happy, sad, scared, angry, surprised, disgusted)
• The sound of our voice

That's it for this very basic article. Be sure to share this with your socially awkward friends/enemies, the people who stand way too close to you, and your one friend who is always making uncomfortable advances to strangers with complete lack of self-awareness! Stay tuned for more.