The Power to Solve People Problems: 5 Practical Paths

People are complicated, so it makes sense that problems involving people are complicated too.

They're complicated because the perceptions, emotions, and goals of others are often different from our own and don't always seem to make a lot of sense to us.

When we don't understand where someone else is coming from or what they want from an interaction it makes us uneasy. It leads to uncertainty and we, as human beings tend to hate uncertainty.

We bend over backwards to try to control situations so that we feel more certain, we put things in place and take great measures to build up an illusion of control. We seek out more information and try to put together a coherent story in our minds about who they are and what they want based on the little information that we have.

We want power in order to manage uncertainty. We want to avoid uncertainty. We have our own goals and outcomes that we want to achieve and the idea that we won't get them is terrifying. We want to succeed, and that means we want to prevent failure. Uncertainty is a good way to sum up a lot of what we fear and don't understand.

Naturally, we have to face uncertainty. Especially in interactions with people.

We meet new people and interact with strangers. We give a presentation to a room full of people we don't know. We drive down crowded streets passing and weaving by hundreds of people with their own perceptions, experiences, and goals.

As much as we may try to avoid having to deal with a situation that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, we will inevitably have to. We can go to the self check out at the grocery store and order food delivered to us. We might avoid having a weird interaction or confrontation with a stranger for years, even decades. It's much more likely that we will have to deal with problems in our everyday relationships, the people we spend time with or see at work day in and day out. Our partners or friends. When that happens, we're going to have to choose to do something.

Power, in one form or another is apparent in every relationship. There are unique and compounded power dynamics in every interpersonal problem we face. For example, an employer having a difficult talk with an employee may have a different approach to the situation than two co-workers or friends talking to each other about a sensitive subject. In both situations there is bound to be stress as there always is in having hard conversations, but the degree of that would be influenced by the power dynamics of the relationship. An employer who has legitimate power to reward and punish an employee will probably not be as stressed out about the interaction as the employee who is worried about losing their job. The same goes for a lot of different social interactions and perceived power. The relationship between a teacher and a student. A woman and her father. A 12 year old boy and his best friend. There are an infinite number of scenarios we could think of for types of relationships and what happens when they come into conflict. If we looked at them all we could identify the different sources of power that the parties have and make decisions about what their best moves might be. In real life we don't have the time to sit back and think about it like that in the heat of the moment, but we do have the time and capacity to think about the situations we commonly face and how they can play out.

So is the employee powerless then? Doomed to a life of uncertainty and dread?

No, is the short answer to this simple hypothetical situation. Everyone has power. 

Is that power equal? No, very rarely.

This is the tension that is a part of every relationship if we really sat down to think about it. There is a degree of uncertainty, and that becomes apparent in times of conflict. In strong relationship we know how to talk to each other, we're aware of ourselves and the way we're perceived. We pay attention to what the other is saying and know what builds them up and what their sensitivities are. We take care to not harp on their sensitivities because we care about the relationship. We don't want to damage them, they're our co-worker, our friend, our employee or our boss. We understand the power that we have, that lets us feel confident about ourselves and we understand the power dynamics of our relationships. With all that said, here are 5 practical takeaways around using our own unique power to solve problems:

1. People hate uncertainty. 

Prevent interpersonal problems by giving people the information they need to assess the situation. Try to think interdependently. We have to learn to acknowledge the fact that relationships aren't all about us. Counter-intuitively this means we sometimes have to share things about ourselves and what we want and need to help others understand us. The first step seems obvious but is something we don't really think about in depth that often. Define what your really want and why you want it for yourself. Figure out what outcomes you want before going into that meeting. Be intentional about what the point is of you doing an activity. Sometimes the answer might be "to relax" or to "have fun" but decide that for yourself and name it, be honest with yourself and the people around you about your intentions.  

2. Conflict is inevitable.

Our goals are going to be different from someone else at some point. We may come into disagreement on an opinion. We will make mistakes. That's inevitable. Being right is not a worthwhile outcome. Solving a problem is. We tend to worry too much about defending our egos and not enough about solving problems in a constructive way. We will come into conflict, we must prepare ourselves to handle it as adults.  

3. Everyone has power.

This is maybe the single most important point, and one that only you can figure out for yourself. Without recognizing the power that we do have, we either end up feeling helpless, or we end up recklessly wielding our power like a giant toddler.

What power do you have? Do you have some kinds of recognizable power in society? Do you have a unique education or specialization? Do you have skills and abilities that you enjoy and that seem to impress others? Think about these things. It's important and will make you more comfortable in social situations. You've had an entire lifetime of experiences. The point is, there are powers that you have that nobody can take away from you. Maybe you're strong, maybe you're tall, maybe you have an incredible voice. Maybe you're a kind and generous person. These might be things you were born with, cultural norms you exemplify, or skills or knowledge you've gained. You will have varying degrees of these powers. Being self aware about these things will help you to not only better understand how you may be perceived in different social situations to help you make smart decisions, but will give you the self confidence and social sense to deal with problems effectively when they come up. Circumstances you're in might add or remove certain powers, people might underestimate you, but don't ever do yourself the disservice of disempowering yourself. Think about the power you have and own it.

4. Use power intelligently.  

Has anybody ever said to you "don't be an asshole." They just might be on to something (or not). Do take the time to consider criticism and look inward. If you're a key decision maker and you've harshly dismissed someone's idea, there is a good chance they felt personally attacked. If you approached a stranger on the street who is minding their own business to "compliment them" and were shocked when they only looked at you in disgust, there is a good chance that they're bothered by strangers all the time and have historically practical reasons to distrust strangers bothering them in the street. Context matters. Relationships matter. Any good manager or leader knows that you are only as good as your team. You could go around and enforce rules with fear by laying down punishments but people will not want to work for you and they won't be productive. They'll call in sick or they will quit. Relationships can amplify positive outcomes. If you're serious about wanting to have good relationships, that being ones that are mutually beneficial, you have to understand how to use power intelligently. Don't just blindly flail around destroying everything around you.

For example: You're having dinner with your family and your younger brother is trying to impress his new boo and introduce them to the family. You're joking around and bring up an embarrassing incident that happened in a past relationship. He is visibly upset and turns bright red. You immediately feel as though you betrayed him, but your ego gets in the way and says "he's being too sensitive, and shouldn't he just be over it by now anyway?". Really, no. He shouldn't. It's not your place to decide, it's not your life and not your experience. In fact, it's an experience that you have very little knowledge about. Put those judgments away and focus on your own actions and behaviours.

Think about the situation, think about the relationship, and think about the power dynamics at play. Just because you're the older sibling doesn't mean you have to dump on him, knowing that it is going to damage your relationship. Yes, jokes are things that are used to build relationships and ease tension in situations all the time. That's true. The point is that the appropriateness of a joke depends entirely on your audience, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. If you make jokes just to make yourself feel more comfortable with little or no consideration of the social context, you might want to rethink that approach.

If you speak just to fill empty space, you're probably not adding a lot of value to the conversation. It may be that you haven't done a very good job of including others. If you have the power and position to do so, consider that important and easy way to use power to build rather than damage relationships. Listen, consult, and pay attention. Not only will this make your relationships stronger, it will help you to better understand the people you're connected to and make decisions.

     

5. That power is not equal. 

You may have less or more power than someone else in a situation. Imagine you're making your pitch to a billionaire hedge fund investor. Stakes are high. You feel that they have the power to make or break your idea. Imagine you're in a job interview for a position you desperately want. Imagine you're on a first date with someone and are nervously gushing internally because you think they're out of your league. When we perceive that we don't have a lot of power in a situation, we tend to make it so and socially bury ourselves. Don't let this happen.

First of all, frame the situation in a way that empowers you. In general, people will mirror back to us what we put out there. Be present, be engaged. Remember that you are powerful, think about the power you have that you identified. You have something to offer that is valuable and worthwhile. Be considered as an equal by behaving as one. You can't control what they think of you, but there is a good chance that if you're feeling comfortable your presence will be better received. Remember, every relationship is interdependent. There is tension on both ends of an interaction. You're a human and so are they. If you're negotiating or dealing with a tense conflict, think very clearly and intentionally about the goals of you and the other party, think about who they are, who you are, and the power dynamics at play. Identify the sources of power for both of you and how you can come to a win-win agreement or compromise. Make allies that will help give you more referential power. A very powerful skill even if you have trouble identifying other sources of power for yourself can be your ability to make sound rational arguments and emotional appeals that are relevant and appropriate. Making a sound case and aligning goals just makes sense.

If you have more power in a situation, level the playing field. Recognize the situation and do your best to make other parties comfortable and feel accepted. Again, listen, consult, and pay attention. If you have something important to talk about together, you will come to a better outcome the more equal your relationship. When we say better outcome, we mean an outcome that is mutually beneficial and satisfying to the parties involved. Recognize your interdependence. This may mean you actually have to go out of your way to build trust, giving away power. We do this in relationships all the time. If you're a supervisor on a job site, you understand that enforcement and control might get employees to adhere to basic standards, but it will not take them to a deep level of commitment to their work, you, or the company as a whole. Leaders recognize that people have power and work to bring it out in them.

Despite all the complex layers of identity and power, at the core of our relationships, people want to feel valued and understood. If we try to keep those things in mind the rest will follow.

Self-Talk: How to manage emotions, think rationally, and repair situations

Allow me to set the scene by describing a situation that I found myself in a while ago that got me thinking about the way that I think. I was working in a high-paced environment in charge of a very stressed-out group of workers, when my project manager pulled me into his office for a private meeting. He told me that the project was under scrutiny from the client and that my department (the administration group, who already got jerked around quite a bit) would be moved from site to our head office resulting in major pay cuts to our team. I noticed my heart beat speed up, my mind start to search for answers, and my tone get defensive quick. I started arguing with my boss on my team’s behalf, and after a few minutes I had to leave his office before I really lost my cool. I went back to my office, slumped down in my chair, and immediately regretted my initial response.

As I stewed at my desk, I realized that the problem really wasn’t that big, and several solutions existed that would likely result in positive outcomes… so why was I so blind to this before? My initial emotional response interrupted my logical thought process and made the problem substantially harder to deal with. This initial response was also damaging to my relationship with my project manager, and ultimately did not help the situation at all. I found myself pining over different situations where I had similarly reacted solely on emotions, and began brainstorming actions I could take in the future to avoid such outbursts. My learning journey brought me to a concept called “self-talk”.

"Self-talk” is the process of creating inner dialogs with yourself to rationally and productively deal with situations that initially result in an emotional response. Self-talk is an amazing tool that has helped me manage my emotions in situations where logic is necessary but absent. It has also helped me stay cool and level-headed in stressful situations, and has given me insight into issues in a way that before seemed impossible.

You're probably asking yourself: how can I actively engage in self-talk when I feel emotions take the wheel during important discussions and debates? Thinking logically can be especially hard in the heat of the moment, so how can I kick-start the process? Engaging in self-talk isn’t the same for everyone, and different techniques may work better for you, but here are five tools that I use when I need to jolt my brain for logical thought.

It may seem obvious reading this, but is much harder to do in the moment: the best thing you can do when you find yourself feeling frustrated and emotionally charged is to separate yourself from the stressor. When a difficult situation arises and challenges your self-esteem your subconscious mind begins processing and dissecting the situation before your conscious mind has a chance to fully grasp what is happening. Your body's flight or fight response engages and your emotions take the drivers seat, often leading to bigger problems down the road. 

Point blank: you will not resolve the issue leaning on emotion alone, and your mind needs time to absorb and adjust to the situation. Take a walk, sit with your eyes closed, go for a drive, or meditate. 

I'll be the first to admit, there are a few holes in this first step. Sometimes you can't escape the person that is causing you stress. If you are in a meeting with your boss, telling him you need a minute alone might bode poorly, or if you're in the car with your partner, I don't recommend "ducking and rolling" to escape (although, the physical pain might make the emotional pain seem trivial). What I'm getting at, is that there will be times you cannot escape your stressor, in which case it is important to notice when emotional reactions set in and pay attention to how your subconscious mind reacts. If you cannot physically escape, take a brief moment to compose your thoughts, and try the next steps in this process internally. 

I'm sure a philosopher said it using beautiful metaphors, but I am not that, so I will say it in laymen terms: a healthy body fosters a healthy mind. When a stressor catches you off guard your body often reacts faster then your mind and it begins triggering different flight or fight responses before you've even had a chance to absorb the information you are receiving. Have you noticed a tingle down your back when you're told something negative? A weakness in the legs? A restlessness? Maybe your hands get cold and your heart rate speeds up? These physical reactions, in collaboration with your emotions, are your body's natural defense mechanisms at work, doing what they are designed to do: protect you from harm by removing logical thought from your "to do" list. The problem is the physical reaction was triggered by something that has no actual threat to your physical safety, and these reactions can actually hinder your ability to deal with highly stressful situations. 

When I notice my body reacting to a situation before my mind has had a chance to process, I try to do 3 things which help return my body to homeostasis so my brain can start thinking about the problem rationally: straighten my back, stand up tall, and ground myself by standing with my legs shoulder-width apart. This process may seem trivial, but doing such things will contradict your body’s natural response, and will help you avoid a spiral of emotion led by your subconscious.

Breathing is one of those automated human functions that we rarely think about, but has a huge impact on the way we react. Controlling your breathing is a simple activity, but it has a huge impact on your body's reaction to a situation, which directly influences your initial emotional response. 

My favourite breathing exercise is called the Belly Breathing Technique. Start by placing one hand on your stomach directly above your belt line and the other hand on your chest. Start by exhaling deeply, focusing on relaxing your shoulders and upper body. Close your mouth and breath in deep through your nose, focusing on your rising chest and filling lungs. Stop and hold the air in. Exhale slowly,  through your nose again, as long as feels comfortable. Repeat. 

This next step is designed to help you start engaging in productive self-talk. In order to constructively deal with your stressor it is important that you find a way to distance yourself from the initial event and look at it in a clinical and emotionally detached way. A great way to change your perception on the stressor is to simply write down every detail you can remember about the initial event. Write down the words that were said to you, what you said to the other person, comment on the tone of voice, the body language, the wording used, the speed of the conversations, how you felt at the time, how you think the other person felt at the time, and anything else that had an impact. Most importantly, try to determine the specific emotions you were feeling in the moment and what you are feeling as you write.

Active self-talk takes conscious effort and thought, and a headspace absent of the emotions felt at first offence. Detailing the situation (almost like a crime scene) will allow you to look at all the facts outside of your personal lens. This clarity may enlighten you as to why the situation played out the way it did, and may alter your reaction to what is happening. Additionally, identifying your emotions can help you run them through your logical thought process, and help  to reduce the level of emotion you feel.

In the moments following a tense interaction, your mind may be swimming with thoughts that are being influenced heavily by your emotions, but often if you think about the stressor in a logical way you can thwart your initial emotional response. In addition to the above tools, asking yourself guided questions can help trigger logical thought and put the situation into perspective.

•  Was all relevant information communicated, and is everyone on the same page? 
• Make sure that all parties have all the facts, so that at the very least, everything is transparent and open. Keeping your thoughts on the matter secret can hinder your ability to recover and could cause problems going forward. If the information wasn't properly communicated during the initial interaction it can be useful to calmly and rationally explain yourself at a future time, once the dust has settled. 
• What emotions ran through my head during the interaction? Are these emotions impacting my response?
• Being aware of your emotions and how they manifest in your body is a big part of understanding yourself. This process can be challenging as people inherently feel things, but do not often justify these feelings with descriptors. Saying to yourself "I am feeling X (EMOTION eg. anger, fear, sadness, etc.) right now, and it is manifesting itself as Y (PHYSICAL RESPONSE eg. butterflies in tummy, fast heart, sinking feeling, etc.)" is a powerful way to understand yourself and work through the emotions that are blocking your logical thought process. 
• What was the other person's likely thought process in the situation? What emotions are they feeling? 
• Putting yourself in someone else's shoes can help you understand the reason for their actions during a tense situation. Think about what they must be feeling towards you, what is going on in other areas of their lives, and their experiences that have led to this moment. When we are upset it can be easy to forget that other people are equally as complex as us, with diverse thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are intermingling with your own. Respect this, and understand it as you process the situation. 
• Are the results I am feeling going to have a lasting impact, or are they temporary? 
• How serious is this? Really. In the heat of the moment, uncomfortable situations can seem as though they are earth shattering, but often times they pass quickly, and the status quo returns again. Is this situation going to matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Most of the time, these things blow over quickly, and reminding yourself of that can help keep the severity in perspective. 
• Does this situation impact my entire life, or just a small portion?
• Again, in the heat of the moment a bad interaction can feel as though it will bleed into all parts of your life, which often is not the case. If the problem arose at work, likely you can escape it at the end of the day, and find comfort and support in your home life. It can feel as though a negative experience will devastate your entire life, but typically that is not the case. 
• What advice would I give a friend who brought this situation to me?
• Often times, we judge ourselves harder than our peers because we feel as though we are somehow different than those around us. We often look at situations in a light that paints us as the problem or victim in a situation, which is often not the case. If a friend you respect brought you the situation which is causing you stress, and asked for your advice, what would you say? Chances are you can see things a bit more clear when you aren't the one directly involved. 

3 Ways to Motivate Your Team

If you've just started leading a team of people, it can be a steep learning curve. Especially if you're stepping into an established organizational culture.  

Is your team engaged, or just present? Do they seem to care about what they're doing? 

Having a disengaged team will at best make your organization stagnant and at worst hurt you and your organization beyond belief. Having a highly motivated team will help your organization reach levels of success and productivity that you may not have thought possible. If you're struggling with this you already know first hand. If you've been on a winning team you might be able to identify how good leadership can contribute immensely to motivation. Let's articulate some of those things that good leaders use to motivate and break them down into actions we can take. 

Here's three key concepts that changed how I think about leadership and that I've used to better motivate my teams: 

1) Be Curious and Care

Be curious about your team. Care about your team. Care about your work. Care about your organization. 

Leadership roles typically come with a degree of control and a power dynamic attached to them. Used intelligently, this puts you in the driver's seat for motivating your team. 

First, remember the obvious. Beyond whatever your roles are in relation to each other in your organization, you're a human being and they are too. This is important because it's at the heart of motivation. Understanding what your employees care about, what matters to them, what they want and need, gives you insight into how to get them engaged.

Think about it. What motivates you? Think about places you've worked or volunteered. What made it a good or a bad place to work? You'll probably think of the manager or other leader. Things they did or didn't do. How you either felt appreciated and like what you did mattered, or like it was a waste of time and energy. You either felt valuable, or like you were treated as just another number. 

Remember this feeling. Let it guide how you communicate with your team. 

You know how it feels to have a leader who just can't engage or doesn't make the effort to. You know how demotivating this is. Do not be that person. 

Pay attention to what your team is saying. Value their input. Listen. Find out about what's going on with them. You don't have to be friends, but you need to have a mutual understanding and respect if you're going to motivate them. 

Remember that you only exist as a leader in relation to your team. You aren't doing this alone. Your mission is to lift them to new heights, to inspire, you're part of the team not something separate from it. 

To do this you will have to make time for it. Make time to talk to your team. One on one and in groups. Some things will come out and become apparent to you in the group, others will only come out in one on ones.

Yes this can be hard or seem like a lot of work. Understand that the biggest challenge is overcoming your own mental conditioning. It isn't as hard as it seems and is a skill you can develop, you'll become more comfortable with practice. It takes time, but it is definitely worth it. Building relationships with your team where they feel like you care will keep them going when they're having an off day.  

Remember that your team members are the heroes in their own stories, not you. In their eyes, your job is to empower them. You're just helping them get to where they want to be.  

Are you leading in a curious and caring way? Use the inner dialogue of considering the three A's as you go about interacting and making decisions:

 

Ask - Ask questions, stay curious, ask yourself questions, reflect on changes in behavior and ask questions about them.  

Appreciate - Appreciate responses, appreciate actions, appreciate outputs and outcomes, celebrate your team, recognize your team, value your team's accomplishments, encourage and push forward.

Action - After asking questions and gathering information, evaluating and understanding circumstances and situations, take action.     

2) Communicate Constantly

One of the biggest mistakes that a leader can make is not communicating clear expectations. If people don't know what they should be doing, you really can't fault them for their disengagement. As leaders, we fail by not setting up a foundation for everyone's success. You may have a vision, but people can't buy into it if it isn't communicated or understood. 

If they don't know what to do, provide direction. 

If they know what to do, do they have everything (tools, resources, support) they need to do it properly? 

Ask yourself these questions and ask your team these questions.

Use the three A's constantly. 

Ask, Appreciate, and take Action.  

As a leader, it is your responsibility to make space for the conversations that need to happen. Whether it is regular team meetings or one on ones, you have to create that space. You have to make the time for it and organize it. 

When you have that space, that is your opportunity to work towards the changes you need. Often, your team is looking to you for guidance and about what to do to be valued and appreciated. These are huge intrinsic motivators for people. You set the stage for what behaviors are valued in the organization, and it really does come from you and your communication (or lack of communication) with them.    

This is your team. You need these people and they need you. Show appreciation for the things that they do, treat them as the competent and valuable people that they truly are. It takes time to build up a culture of trust and respect, if you do this very deliberately from the beginning with new recruits it will make it all the easier. 

3) Collaborate and Coach

Empower your team and support them. Give them the tools that they need to do what is expected of them. 

No, not every decision needs to be made by committee, but your team will be engaged when they feel a sense of ownership over what they're doing.  As a leader, you're a coach guiding your team to succeed at achieving the shared vision. You establish and cultivate that shared vision and then make and implement the plan with the team. 

Everything is about them and their success, amplified through the organization, facilitated by you. When you know what they want and need, you can work with them to bring out their strengths for incredible results. You have to ensure they see the value of being part of the team, of the organization and it's values, and of themselves. 

Deal with problems through discussion. Be assertive and use data and documented information to back up what you're saying. Remember, this is a human being who is going through something too. Never make a personal attack. Your mission is the success of the organization and that depends on the success of the team behind it. A team that depends on each of it's valuable people. Get to the bottom of it, ask the right questions, understand the problem, then make decisions about it.