People are complicated, so it makes sense that problems involving people are complicated too.
They're complicated because the perceptions, emotions, and goals of others are often different from our own and don't always seem to make a lot of sense to us.
When we don't understand where someone else is coming from or what they want from an interaction it makes us uneasy. It leads to uncertainty and we, as human beings tend to hate uncertainty.
We bend over backwards to try to control situations so that we feel more certain, we put things in place and take great measures to build up an illusion of control. We seek out more information and try to put together a coherent story in our minds about who they are and what they want based on the little information that we have.
We want power in order to manage uncertainty. We want to avoid uncertainty. We have our own goals and outcomes that we want to achieve and the idea that we won't get them is terrifying. We want to succeed, and that means we want to prevent failure. Uncertainty is a good way to sum up a lot of what we fear and don't understand.
Naturally, we have to face uncertainty. Especially in interactions with people.
We meet new people and interact with strangers. We give a presentation to a room full of people we don't know. We drive down crowded streets passing and weaving by hundreds of people with their own perceptions, experiences, and goals.
As much as we may try to avoid having to deal with a situation that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, we will inevitably have to. We can go to the self check out at the grocery store and order food delivered to us. We might avoid having a weird interaction or confrontation with a stranger for years, even decades. It's much more likely that we will have to deal with problems in our everyday relationships, the people we spend time with or see at work day in and day out. Our partners or friends. When that happens, we're going to have to choose to do something.
Power, in one form or another is apparent in every relationship. There are unique and compounded power dynamics in every interpersonal problem we face. For example, an employer having a difficult talk with an employee may have a different approach to the situation than two co-workers or friends talking to each other about a sensitive subject. In both situations there is bound to be stress as there always is in having hard conversations, but the degree of that would be influenced by the power dynamics of the relationship. An employer who has legitimate power to reward and punish an employee will probably not be as stressed out about the interaction as the employee who is worried about losing their job. The same goes for a lot of different social interactions and perceived power. The relationship between a teacher and a student. A woman and her father. A 12 year old boy and his best friend. There are an infinite number of scenarios we could think of for types of relationships and what happens when they come into conflict. If we looked at them all we could identify the different sources of power that the parties have and make decisions about what their best moves might be. In real life we don't have the time to sit back and think about it like that in the heat of the moment, but we do have the time and capacity to think about the situations we commonly face and how they can play out.
So is the employee powerless then? Doomed to a life of uncertainty and dread?
No, is the short answer to this simple hypothetical situation. Everyone has power.
Is that power equal? No, very rarely.
This is the tension that is a part of every relationship if we really sat down to think about it. There is a degree of uncertainty, and that becomes apparent in times of conflict. In strong relationship we know how to talk to each other, we're aware of ourselves and the way we're perceived. We pay attention to what the other is saying and know what builds them up and what their sensitivities are. We take care to not harp on their sensitivities because we care about the relationship. We don't want to damage them, they're our co-worker, our friend, our employee or our boss. We understand the power that we have, that lets us feel confident about ourselves and we understand the power dynamics of our relationships. With all that said, here are 5 practical takeaways around using our own unique power to solve problems:
1. People hate uncertainty.
Prevent interpersonal problems by giving people the information they need to assess the situation. Try to think interdependently. We have to learn to acknowledge the fact that relationships aren't all about us. Counter-intuitively this means we sometimes have to share things about ourselves and what we want and need to help others understand us. The first step seems obvious but is something we don't really think about in depth that often. Define what your really want and why you want it for yourself. Figure out what outcomes you want before going into that meeting. Be intentional about what the point is of you doing an activity. Sometimes the answer might be "to relax" or to "have fun" but decide that for yourself and name it, be honest with yourself and the people around you about your intentions.
2. Conflict is inevitable.
Our goals are going to be different from someone else at some point. We may come into disagreement on an opinion. We will make mistakes. That's inevitable. Being right is not a worthwhile outcome. Solving a problem is. We tend to worry too much about defending our egos and not enough about solving problems in a constructive way. We will come into conflict, we must prepare ourselves to handle it as adults.
3. Everyone has power.
This is maybe the single most important point, and one that only you can figure out for yourself. Without recognizing the power that we do have, we either end up feeling helpless, or we end up recklessly wielding our power like a giant toddler.
What power do you have? Do you have some kinds of recognizable power in society? Do you have a unique education or specialization? Do you have skills and abilities that you enjoy and that seem to impress others? Think about these things. It's important and will make you more comfortable in social situations. You've had an entire lifetime of experiences. The point is, there are powers that you have that nobody can take away from you. Maybe you're strong, maybe you're tall, maybe you have an incredible voice. Maybe you're a kind and generous person. These might be things you were born with, cultural norms you exemplify, or skills or knowledge you've gained. You will have varying degrees of these powers. Being self aware about these things will help you to not only better understand how you may be perceived in different social situations to help you make smart decisions, but will give you the self confidence and social sense to deal with problems effectively when they come up. Circumstances you're in might add or remove certain powers, people might underestimate you, but don't ever do yourself the disservice of disempowering yourself. Think about the power you have and own it.
4. Use power intelligently.
Has anybody ever said to you "don't be an asshole." They just might be on to something (or not). Do take the time to consider criticism and look inward. If you're a key decision maker and you've harshly dismissed someone's idea, there is a good chance they felt personally attacked. If you approached a stranger on the street who is minding their own business to "compliment them" and were shocked when they only looked at you in disgust, there is a good chance that they're bothered by strangers all the time and have historically practical reasons to distrust strangers bothering them in the street. Context matters. Relationships matter. Any good manager or leader knows that you are only as good as your team. You could go around and enforce rules with fear by laying down punishments but people will not want to work for you and they won't be productive. They'll call in sick or they will quit. Relationships can amplify positive outcomes. If you're serious about wanting to have good relationships, that being ones that are mutually beneficial, you have to understand how to use power intelligently. Don't just blindly flail around destroying everything around you.
For example: You're having dinner with your family and your younger brother is trying to impress his new boo and introduce them to the family. You're joking around and bring up an embarrassing incident that happened in a past relationship. He is visibly upset and turns bright red. You immediately feel as though you betrayed him, but your ego gets in the way and says "he's being too sensitive, and shouldn't he just be over it by now anyway?". Really, no. He shouldn't. It's not your place to decide, it's not your life and not your experience. In fact, it's an experience that you have very little knowledge about. Put those judgments away and focus on your own actions and behaviours.
Think about the situation, think about the relationship, and think about the power dynamics at play. Just because you're the older sibling doesn't mean you have to dump on him, knowing that it is going to damage your relationship. Yes, jokes are things that are used to build relationships and ease tension in situations all the time. That's true. The point is that the appropriateness of a joke depends entirely on your audience, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. If you make jokes just to make yourself feel more comfortable with little or no consideration of the social context, you might want to rethink that approach.
If you speak just to fill empty space, you're probably not adding a lot of value to the conversation. It may be that you haven't done a very good job of including others. If you have the power and position to do so, consider that important and easy way to use power to build rather than damage relationships. Listen, consult, and pay attention. Not only will this make your relationships stronger, it will help you to better understand the people you're connected to and make decisions.
5. That power is not equal.
You may have less or more power than someone else in a situation. Imagine you're making your pitch to a billionaire hedge fund investor. Stakes are high. You feel that they have the power to make or break your idea. Imagine you're in a job interview for a position you desperately want. Imagine you're on a first date with someone and are nervously gushing internally because you think they're out of your league. When we perceive that we don't have a lot of power in a situation, we tend to make it so and socially bury ourselves. Don't let this happen.
First of all, frame the situation in a way that empowers you. In general, people will mirror back to us what we put out there. Be present, be engaged. Remember that you are powerful, think about the power you have that you identified. You have something to offer that is valuable and worthwhile. Be considered as an equal by behaving as one. You can't control what they think of you, but there is a good chance that if you're feeling comfortable your presence will be better received. Remember, every relationship is interdependent. There is tension on both ends of an interaction. You're a human and so are they. If you're negotiating or dealing with a tense conflict, think very clearly and intentionally about the goals of you and the other party, think about who they are, who you are, and the power dynamics at play. Identify the sources of power for both of you and how you can come to a win-win agreement or compromise. Make allies that will help give you more referential power. A very powerful skill even if you have trouble identifying other sources of power for yourself can be your ability to make sound rational arguments and emotional appeals that are relevant and appropriate. Making a sound case and aligning goals just makes sense.
If you have more power in a situation, level the playing field. Recognize the situation and do your best to make other parties comfortable and feel accepted. Again, listen, consult, and pay attention. If you have something important to talk about together, you will come to a better outcome the more equal your relationship. When we say better outcome, we mean an outcome that is mutually beneficial and satisfying to the parties involved. Recognize your interdependence. This may mean you actually have to go out of your way to build trust, giving away power. We do this in relationships all the time. If you're a supervisor on a job site, you understand that enforcement and control might get employees to adhere to basic standards, but it will not take them to a deep level of commitment to their work, you, or the company as a whole. Leaders recognize that people have power and work to bring it out in them.
Despite all the complex layers of identity and power, at the core of our relationships, people want to feel valued and understood. If we try to keep those things in mind the rest will follow.
