Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life

Most of us, knowingly or not, think of our lives as a story. We have an idea of what we think might happen next, feelings about what we want to happen, and our own understanding of what has happened in the story so far. This narrative of what has happened so far in our stories is what I'm writing about today. Our narrative explains how things currently are and how we got to where we are. It justifies how we see ourselves and the world around us.

Our narrative helps us to prioritize and filter out information. It helps us to justify our hopes and desires. It's foundational to our worldview. We build a coherent narrative for our lives to make sense of a complex world, one which we actually have very little control over. The problem with this is that we sometimes build a narrative that justifies or ignores ideas and behaviours that actually hurt us or the people around us. We sometimes take a self satisfying position. We build a narrative of our lives that fortifies our self doubt and helplessness, that either skims over or magnifies our flaws rather than looking at ourselves realistically and challenging us to improve.   

While we may not have control over external factors in our lives, we do have a lot of influence over our selves and the people around us. 

When something contradicts our own beliefs, values, or sense of self (summed up in our narrative) we either disregard it, or we get defensive about it. It can be easy to dismiss a challenge to our narrative. 

But... sometimes we really need to listen to those challenges. Sometimes it's the difference between us moving forward or staying in a rut. Sometimes we let ourselves get away with failing ourselves and the people around us and explaining it all away because we've framed a situation in a certain way. It's easy to make excuses and invalidate the experiences of others to serve our needs and enhance our sense of self. It's easy because it requires no further thought or consideration and many of us have not trained our minds to think in that way. 

It takes work and practice and an ongoing commitment to really thinking about the context and relationships involved in a situation to get better at this. It's a process, it's a journey. It's not some quick fix thing, but it's worth it. 

Think of the last time you felt upset towards someone or something. How did you react to that? Did you lash out? Did you spend the afternoon sulking? How much of this reaction was tied to your ego, or sense of self? How much of it was tied to your own expectations of how the situation would go?

Our expectations of the world emerge from our narratives, and are parameters that we're able to choose. Sometimes the situation isn't the problem. Sometimes there isn't someone else to blame.  Sometimes the problem really is in our narratives. Sometimes the solution is in empowering ourselves to take ownership of the circumstances we can. The problem is often in our own explanation or expectation. It's our expectations not being met that usually unsettles us, we hate uncertainty. Sometimes our narratives are not helpful or useful, sometimes we frame the world around us in a way that hurts us and the people around us.

That's important to think about.

It's not always necessary to change the situation, sometimes we're just looking at it the wrong way. 

Value the constructive criticisms, value the challenges, value the opportunities to grow, and value the experiences and perspectives of others. Don't interpret everything as a personal attack or a reason to just lay down and give up. Remember, this is a process. We won't always be perfect, but if we're doing our best and open to learning we're going to go a lot further than if we're closed off.

Self-Talk: How to manage emotions, think rationally, and repair situations

Allow me to set the scene by describing a situation that I found myself in a while ago that got me thinking about the way that I think. I was working in a high-paced environment in charge of a very stressed-out group of workers, when my project manager pulled me into his office for a private meeting. He told me that the project was under scrutiny from the client and that my department (the administration group, who already got jerked around quite a bit) would be moved from site to our head office resulting in major pay cuts to our team. I noticed my heart beat speed up, my mind start to search for answers, and my tone get defensive quick. I started arguing with my boss on my team’s behalf, and after a few minutes I had to leave his office before I really lost my cool. I went back to my office, slumped down in my chair, and immediately regretted my initial response.

As I stewed at my desk, I realized that the problem really wasn’t that big, and several solutions existed that would likely result in positive outcomes… so why was I so blind to this before? My initial emotional response interrupted my logical thought process and made the problem substantially harder to deal with. This initial response was also damaging to my relationship with my project manager, and ultimately did not help the situation at all. I found myself pining over different situations where I had similarly reacted solely on emotions, and began brainstorming actions I could take in the future to avoid such outbursts. My learning journey brought me to a concept called “self-talk”.

"Self-talk” is the process of creating inner dialogs with yourself to rationally and productively deal with situations that initially result in an emotional response. Self-talk is an amazing tool that has helped me manage my emotions in situations where logic is necessary but absent. It has also helped me stay cool and level-headed in stressful situations, and has given me insight into issues in a way that before seemed impossible.

You're probably asking yourself: how can I actively engage in self-talk when I feel emotions take the wheel during important discussions and debates? Thinking logically can be especially hard in the heat of the moment, so how can I kick-start the process? Engaging in self-talk isn’t the same for everyone, and different techniques may work better for you, but here are five tools that I use when I need to jolt my brain for logical thought.

It may seem obvious reading this, but is much harder to do in the moment: the best thing you can do when you find yourself feeling frustrated and emotionally charged is to separate yourself from the stressor. When a difficult situation arises and challenges your self-esteem your subconscious mind begins processing and dissecting the situation before your conscious mind has a chance to fully grasp what is happening. Your body's flight or fight response engages and your emotions take the drivers seat, often leading to bigger problems down the road. 

Point blank: you will not resolve the issue leaning on emotion alone, and your mind needs time to absorb and adjust to the situation. Take a walk, sit with your eyes closed, go for a drive, or meditate. 

I'll be the first to admit, there are a few holes in this first step. Sometimes you can't escape the person that is causing you stress. If you are in a meeting with your boss, telling him you need a minute alone might bode poorly, or if you're in the car with your partner, I don't recommend "ducking and rolling" to escape (although, the physical pain might make the emotional pain seem trivial). What I'm getting at, is that there will be times you cannot escape your stressor, in which case it is important to notice when emotional reactions set in and pay attention to how your subconscious mind reacts. If you cannot physically escape, take a brief moment to compose your thoughts, and try the next steps in this process internally. 

I'm sure a philosopher said it using beautiful metaphors, but I am not that, so I will say it in laymen terms: a healthy body fosters a healthy mind. When a stressor catches you off guard your body often reacts faster then your mind and it begins triggering different flight or fight responses before you've even had a chance to absorb the information you are receiving. Have you noticed a tingle down your back when you're told something negative? A weakness in the legs? A restlessness? Maybe your hands get cold and your heart rate speeds up? These physical reactions, in collaboration with your emotions, are your body's natural defense mechanisms at work, doing what they are designed to do: protect you from harm by removing logical thought from your "to do" list. The problem is the physical reaction was triggered by something that has no actual threat to your physical safety, and these reactions can actually hinder your ability to deal with highly stressful situations. 

When I notice my body reacting to a situation before my mind has had a chance to process, I try to do 3 things which help return my body to homeostasis so my brain can start thinking about the problem rationally: straighten my back, stand up tall, and ground myself by standing with my legs shoulder-width apart. This process may seem trivial, but doing such things will contradict your body’s natural response, and will help you avoid a spiral of emotion led by your subconscious.

Breathing is one of those automated human functions that we rarely think about, but has a huge impact on the way we react. Controlling your breathing is a simple activity, but it has a huge impact on your body's reaction to a situation, which directly influences your initial emotional response. 

My favourite breathing exercise is called the Belly Breathing Technique. Start by placing one hand on your stomach directly above your belt line and the other hand on your chest. Start by exhaling deeply, focusing on relaxing your shoulders and upper body. Close your mouth and breath in deep through your nose, focusing on your rising chest and filling lungs. Stop and hold the air in. Exhale slowly,  through your nose again, as long as feels comfortable. Repeat. 

This next step is designed to help you start engaging in productive self-talk. In order to constructively deal with your stressor it is important that you find a way to distance yourself from the initial event and look at it in a clinical and emotionally detached way. A great way to change your perception on the stressor is to simply write down every detail you can remember about the initial event. Write down the words that were said to you, what you said to the other person, comment on the tone of voice, the body language, the wording used, the speed of the conversations, how you felt at the time, how you think the other person felt at the time, and anything else that had an impact. Most importantly, try to determine the specific emotions you were feeling in the moment and what you are feeling as you write.

Active self-talk takes conscious effort and thought, and a headspace absent of the emotions felt at first offence. Detailing the situation (almost like a crime scene) will allow you to look at all the facts outside of your personal lens. This clarity may enlighten you as to why the situation played out the way it did, and may alter your reaction to what is happening. Additionally, identifying your emotions can help you run them through your logical thought process, and help  to reduce the level of emotion you feel.

In the moments following a tense interaction, your mind may be swimming with thoughts that are being influenced heavily by your emotions, but often if you think about the stressor in a logical way you can thwart your initial emotional response. In addition to the above tools, asking yourself guided questions can help trigger logical thought and put the situation into perspective.

•  Was all relevant information communicated, and is everyone on the same page? 
• Make sure that all parties have all the facts, so that at the very least, everything is transparent and open. Keeping your thoughts on the matter secret can hinder your ability to recover and could cause problems going forward. If the information wasn't properly communicated during the initial interaction it can be useful to calmly and rationally explain yourself at a future time, once the dust has settled. 
• What emotions ran through my head during the interaction? Are these emotions impacting my response?
• Being aware of your emotions and how they manifest in your body is a big part of understanding yourself. This process can be challenging as people inherently feel things, but do not often justify these feelings with descriptors. Saying to yourself "I am feeling X (EMOTION eg. anger, fear, sadness, etc.) right now, and it is manifesting itself as Y (PHYSICAL RESPONSE eg. butterflies in tummy, fast heart, sinking feeling, etc.)" is a powerful way to understand yourself and work through the emotions that are blocking your logical thought process. 
• What was the other person's likely thought process in the situation? What emotions are they feeling? 
• Putting yourself in someone else's shoes can help you understand the reason for their actions during a tense situation. Think about what they must be feeling towards you, what is going on in other areas of their lives, and their experiences that have led to this moment. When we are upset it can be easy to forget that other people are equally as complex as us, with diverse thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are intermingling with your own. Respect this, and understand it as you process the situation. 
• Are the results I am feeling going to have a lasting impact, or are they temporary? 
• How serious is this? Really. In the heat of the moment, uncomfortable situations can seem as though they are earth shattering, but often times they pass quickly, and the status quo returns again. Is this situation going to matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Most of the time, these things blow over quickly, and reminding yourself of that can help keep the severity in perspective. 
• Does this situation impact my entire life, or just a small portion?
• Again, in the heat of the moment a bad interaction can feel as though it will bleed into all parts of your life, which often is not the case. If the problem arose at work, likely you can escape it at the end of the day, and find comfort and support in your home life. It can feel as though a negative experience will devastate your entire life, but typically that is not the case. 
• What advice would I give a friend who brought this situation to me?
• Often times, we judge ourselves harder than our peers because we feel as though we are somehow different than those around us. We often look at situations in a light that paints us as the problem or victim in a situation, which is often not the case. If a friend you respect brought you the situation which is causing you stress, and asked for your advice, what would you say? Chances are you can see things a bit more clear when you aren't the one directly involved.