Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life

Most of us, knowingly or not, think of our lives as a story. We have an idea of what we think might happen next, feelings about what we want to happen, and our own understanding of what has happened in the story so far. This narrative of what has happened so far in our stories is what I'm writing about today. Our narrative explains how things currently are and how we got to where we are. It justifies how we see ourselves and the world around us.

Our narrative helps us to prioritize and filter out information. It helps us to justify our hopes and desires. It's foundational to our worldview. We build a coherent narrative for our lives to make sense of a complex world, one which we actually have very little control over. The problem with this is that we sometimes build a narrative that justifies or ignores ideas and behaviours that actually hurt us or the people around us. We sometimes take a self satisfying position. We build a narrative of our lives that fortifies our self doubt and helplessness, that either skims over or magnifies our flaws rather than looking at ourselves realistically and challenging us to improve.   

While we may not have control over external factors in our lives, we do have a lot of influence over our selves and the people around us. 

When something contradicts our own beliefs, values, or sense of self (summed up in our narrative) we either disregard it, or we get defensive about it. It can be easy to dismiss a challenge to our narrative. 

But... sometimes we really need to listen to those challenges. Sometimes it's the difference between us moving forward or staying in a rut. Sometimes we let ourselves get away with failing ourselves and the people around us and explaining it all away because we've framed a situation in a certain way. It's easy to make excuses and invalidate the experiences of others to serve our needs and enhance our sense of self. It's easy because it requires no further thought or consideration and many of us have not trained our minds to think in that way. 

It takes work and practice and an ongoing commitment to really thinking about the context and relationships involved in a situation to get better at this. It's a process, it's a journey. It's not some quick fix thing, but it's worth it. 

Think of the last time you felt upset towards someone or something. How did you react to that? Did you lash out? Did you spend the afternoon sulking? How much of this reaction was tied to your ego, or sense of self? How much of it was tied to your own expectations of how the situation would go?

Our expectations of the world emerge from our narratives, and are parameters that we're able to choose. Sometimes the situation isn't the problem. Sometimes there isn't someone else to blame.  Sometimes the problem really is in our narratives. Sometimes the solution is in empowering ourselves to take ownership of the circumstances we can. The problem is often in our own explanation or expectation. It's our expectations not being met that usually unsettles us, we hate uncertainty. Sometimes our narratives are not helpful or useful, sometimes we frame the world around us in a way that hurts us and the people around us.

That's important to think about.

It's not always necessary to change the situation, sometimes we're just looking at it the wrong way. 

Value the constructive criticisms, value the challenges, value the opportunities to grow, and value the experiences and perspectives of others. Don't interpret everything as a personal attack or a reason to just lay down and give up. Remember, this is a process. We won't always be perfect, but if we're doing our best and open to learning we're going to go a lot further than if we're closed off.

Self-Talk: How to manage emotions, think rationally, and repair situations

Allow me to set the scene by describing a situation that I found myself in a while ago that got me thinking about the way that I think. I was working in a high-paced environment in charge of a very stressed-out group of workers, when my project manager pulled me into his office for a private meeting. He told me that the project was under scrutiny from the client and that my department (the administration group, who already got jerked around quite a bit) would be moved from site to our head office resulting in major pay cuts to our team. I noticed my heart beat speed up, my mind start to search for answers, and my tone get defensive quick. I started arguing with my boss on my team’s behalf, and after a few minutes I had to leave his office before I really lost my cool. I went back to my office, slumped down in my chair, and immediately regretted my initial response.

As I stewed at my desk, I realized that the problem really wasn’t that big, and several solutions existed that would likely result in positive outcomes… so why was I so blind to this before? My initial emotional response interrupted my logical thought process and made the problem substantially harder to deal with. This initial response was also damaging to my relationship with my project manager, and ultimately did not help the situation at all. I found myself pining over different situations where I had similarly reacted solely on emotions, and began brainstorming actions I could take in the future to avoid such outbursts. My learning journey brought me to a concept called “self-talk”.

"Self-talk” is the process of creating inner dialogs with yourself to rationally and productively deal with situations that initially result in an emotional response. Self-talk is an amazing tool that has helped me manage my emotions in situations where logic is necessary but absent. It has also helped me stay cool and level-headed in stressful situations, and has given me insight into issues in a way that before seemed impossible.

You're probably asking yourself: how can I actively engage in self-talk when I feel emotions take the wheel during important discussions and debates? Thinking logically can be especially hard in the heat of the moment, so how can I kick-start the process? Engaging in self-talk isn’t the same for everyone, and different techniques may work better for you, but here are five tools that I use when I need to jolt my brain for logical thought.

It may seem obvious reading this, but is much harder to do in the moment: the best thing you can do when you find yourself feeling frustrated and emotionally charged is to separate yourself from the stressor. When a difficult situation arises and challenges your self-esteem your subconscious mind begins processing and dissecting the situation before your conscious mind has a chance to fully grasp what is happening. Your body's flight or fight response engages and your emotions take the drivers seat, often leading to bigger problems down the road. 

Point blank: you will not resolve the issue leaning on emotion alone, and your mind needs time to absorb and adjust to the situation. Take a walk, sit with your eyes closed, go for a drive, or meditate. 

I'll be the first to admit, there are a few holes in this first step. Sometimes you can't escape the person that is causing you stress. If you are in a meeting with your boss, telling him you need a minute alone might bode poorly, or if you're in the car with your partner, I don't recommend "ducking and rolling" to escape (although, the physical pain might make the emotional pain seem trivial). What I'm getting at, is that there will be times you cannot escape your stressor, in which case it is important to notice when emotional reactions set in and pay attention to how your subconscious mind reacts. If you cannot physically escape, take a brief moment to compose your thoughts, and try the next steps in this process internally. 

I'm sure a philosopher said it using beautiful metaphors, but I am not that, so I will say it in laymen terms: a healthy body fosters a healthy mind. When a stressor catches you off guard your body often reacts faster then your mind and it begins triggering different flight or fight responses before you've even had a chance to absorb the information you are receiving. Have you noticed a tingle down your back when you're told something negative? A weakness in the legs? A restlessness? Maybe your hands get cold and your heart rate speeds up? These physical reactions, in collaboration with your emotions, are your body's natural defense mechanisms at work, doing what they are designed to do: protect you from harm by removing logical thought from your "to do" list. The problem is the physical reaction was triggered by something that has no actual threat to your physical safety, and these reactions can actually hinder your ability to deal with highly stressful situations. 

When I notice my body reacting to a situation before my mind has had a chance to process, I try to do 3 things which help return my body to homeostasis so my brain can start thinking about the problem rationally: straighten my back, stand up tall, and ground myself by standing with my legs shoulder-width apart. This process may seem trivial, but doing such things will contradict your body’s natural response, and will help you avoid a spiral of emotion led by your subconscious.

Breathing is one of those automated human functions that we rarely think about, but has a huge impact on the way we react. Controlling your breathing is a simple activity, but it has a huge impact on your body's reaction to a situation, which directly influences your initial emotional response. 

My favourite breathing exercise is called the Belly Breathing Technique. Start by placing one hand on your stomach directly above your belt line and the other hand on your chest. Start by exhaling deeply, focusing on relaxing your shoulders and upper body. Close your mouth and breath in deep through your nose, focusing on your rising chest and filling lungs. Stop and hold the air in. Exhale slowly,  through your nose again, as long as feels comfortable. Repeat. 

This next step is designed to help you start engaging in productive self-talk. In order to constructively deal with your stressor it is important that you find a way to distance yourself from the initial event and look at it in a clinical and emotionally detached way. A great way to change your perception on the stressor is to simply write down every detail you can remember about the initial event. Write down the words that were said to you, what you said to the other person, comment on the tone of voice, the body language, the wording used, the speed of the conversations, how you felt at the time, how you think the other person felt at the time, and anything else that had an impact. Most importantly, try to determine the specific emotions you were feeling in the moment and what you are feeling as you write.

Active self-talk takes conscious effort and thought, and a headspace absent of the emotions felt at first offence. Detailing the situation (almost like a crime scene) will allow you to look at all the facts outside of your personal lens. This clarity may enlighten you as to why the situation played out the way it did, and may alter your reaction to what is happening. Additionally, identifying your emotions can help you run them through your logical thought process, and help  to reduce the level of emotion you feel.

In the moments following a tense interaction, your mind may be swimming with thoughts that are being influenced heavily by your emotions, but often if you think about the stressor in a logical way you can thwart your initial emotional response. In addition to the above tools, asking yourself guided questions can help trigger logical thought and put the situation into perspective.

•  Was all relevant information communicated, and is everyone on the same page? 
• Make sure that all parties have all the facts, so that at the very least, everything is transparent and open. Keeping your thoughts on the matter secret can hinder your ability to recover and could cause problems going forward. If the information wasn't properly communicated during the initial interaction it can be useful to calmly and rationally explain yourself at a future time, once the dust has settled. 
• What emotions ran through my head during the interaction? Are these emotions impacting my response?
• Being aware of your emotions and how they manifest in your body is a big part of understanding yourself. This process can be challenging as people inherently feel things, but do not often justify these feelings with descriptors. Saying to yourself "I am feeling X (EMOTION eg. anger, fear, sadness, etc.) right now, and it is manifesting itself as Y (PHYSICAL RESPONSE eg. butterflies in tummy, fast heart, sinking feeling, etc.)" is a powerful way to understand yourself and work through the emotions that are blocking your logical thought process. 
• What was the other person's likely thought process in the situation? What emotions are they feeling? 
• Putting yourself in someone else's shoes can help you understand the reason for their actions during a tense situation. Think about what they must be feeling towards you, what is going on in other areas of their lives, and their experiences that have led to this moment. When we are upset it can be easy to forget that other people are equally as complex as us, with diverse thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are intermingling with your own. Respect this, and understand it as you process the situation. 
• Are the results I am feeling going to have a lasting impact, or are they temporary? 
• How serious is this? Really. In the heat of the moment, uncomfortable situations can seem as though they are earth shattering, but often times they pass quickly, and the status quo returns again. Is this situation going to matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Most of the time, these things blow over quickly, and reminding yourself of that can help keep the severity in perspective. 
• Does this situation impact my entire life, or just a small portion?
• Again, in the heat of the moment a bad interaction can feel as though it will bleed into all parts of your life, which often is not the case. If the problem arose at work, likely you can escape it at the end of the day, and find comfort and support in your home life. It can feel as though a negative experience will devastate your entire life, but typically that is not the case. 
• What advice would I give a friend who brought this situation to me?
• Often times, we judge ourselves harder than our peers because we feel as though we are somehow different than those around us. We often look at situations in a light that paints us as the problem or victim in a situation, which is often not the case. If a friend you respect brought you the situation which is causing you stress, and asked for your advice, what would you say? Chances are you can see things a bit more clear when you aren't the one directly involved. 

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know.

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know

Communications scholars and other scientists have long been aware of the important role of non-verbal communication. The tiny facial tics, the way we carry ourselves, how we may make eye contact with one person and avoid it with another. Some suggest that less than 10% of our communication is actually transmitted through our carefully or not so carefully selected spoken words.

This means that our non-verbal communication is hugely important.

The good news is that much of it is possible to change. To really look at how to do that better, we need to understand a few basic things.

Values and Norms 

Every one of us is seeing the world around us through a particular lens. While this worldview is our own in that probably nobody else will grow up in the exact same circumstances as us, it is still based in those circumstances. The worldview that we adopt is built out of the time in history and geographic location that we're living in. The way that we will choose to interact with the world around us will be mostly based on these ideas we've adopted. In that way, those ideas are handed down to us. Those are values. Social prescriptions determined by the circumstances that we're born into. Norms are acceptable behaviours based on values.

Yes, this has everything to do with how we communicate.

Culture

Culture is a term used to describe how any group of people explains the world around them and how to interact with it. Culture guides values and norms, it is the system of beliefs that cultivates and supports them. It includes how we behave, the language(s) we are expected to speak, the shared or common meaning of gestures and words in the language. It's often shaped by the complicated histories of the region where the culture dominates.

In terms of communication, we learn culturally what to expect from the people and the world around us. When these expectations are not met by us or by others around us, people tend to be upset because it seems to attack their worldview. The culture we've adopted helps to define a certain perspective and provide some guidelines about how to behave and communicate to build social bonds.

Of course these things vary from family to family, neighbourhood, town, etc.. but generally there's a dominant strain of culture that defines certain expectations and unwritten rules that the majority of people adhere to when out in the public interacting with others. The difference is in the level of immediacy of the communication. We learn about culture through a process of socialization.

Socialization

This is where it all ties together. Socialization teaches us how to use and interpret words and non verbal communication. This is where we start to run into problems.

Our culture attaches some generally agreed upon meaning to a word. A symbol and a sound. We learn these meanings in a certain time and place and attach our own personal understanding to them based on our worldview, our values and experiences. We then use these words to communicate our understanding of them. To put the idea out there that we want to convey. We need these words, we depend on these words.

The problem is that words sometimes have many different formal meanings, and unique personal meanings to individuals. It's not uncommon for people to choose meanings other than what you meant. In fact, it happens all the time.

You can probably think of times where you've been saying something that you thought was common knowledge, while your recipient looked confused or responded differently than you expected. Only to ask you a moment later what you meant by the words you chose. Think of the times in your life when you've been talking to a specialist in some field who has loaded their interaction with you up with jargon and forced you to make due with educated guesses based on their tone of voice and body language.

There is always much more being communicated than just words.

Non-Verbal Communication

When we aren't sure about what words mean, we look to the non verbal indicators to understand what the communicator is trying to say. Perceived meaning is based more on how something is said and how the messenger looks. The look on their face and tone of voice.

Basically, when we're not totally understanding what someone is saying, we use their non verbal indicators to fill in the blanks or make assumptions about what they're communicating.

For example, you're on vacation and aren't fluent in the use of the regional language. A local approaches you smiling and trying to tell you something. You're able to make out some of the basic words but aren't entirely sure what they said and so aren't sure how to respond. You apologize for your lack of understanding but leave the interaction feeling good because judging from their tone of voice, the look on their face, and their laid back body language you pieced together that they were just trying to tell you a joke as a friendly gesture. Getting back to your hotel you look up some of the words you picked up that weren't sure about and sure enough, they were telling you a joke that was actually pretty funny and unfortunately wasted on you.  

Non verbal indicators are going on all of the time and informing our understanding of every interaction we have. In this way, non-verbal indicators can reinforce or contradict verbal messages, sometimes negating what is actually being said (think shaking your head no while saying yes or curtly responding that your day was fine when asked "how are you?").

This is important to think about because it has a lot to do with building and changing our relationships. Most of the time, the non-verbal signals we're sending off during communication are unintentional, happening at a subconscious level. They're critical parts of our communication that we rarely think about or have much awareness of.

If we think about using non-verbal indicators more consciously and deliberately, we can use them to our advantage. We can start to identify and remedy behaviors that aren't helping us communicate the way we want.

Touch is a good example of a non-verbal signal. Touch can be a very powerful communicator. In Canada, we tend to be a generally low expressive culture. In many circles, touch is limited to handshakes and maybe a hug here and there. Although touch is often limited in it's use, it is still expected in many circumstances. To not shake hands coming into a job interview or meeting with a potential client would seem strange, even off putting to most, while a gentle hand on the shoulder or back can indicate closeness and warmth to a friend you're discussing something sensitive with. It seems to say "I'm here for you". A hug may say "I'm happy to see you" or "It was great to see you" with no verbal communication at all.

Like most communication, successfully doing this requires an understanding of the dynamic of your relationship with the person you're trying to communicate with. This basically means an ongoing assessment of their non verbal cues toward you and cross referencing that with your historical knowledge of who they are and how they like to communicate and are comfortable with. Then filtering that through your own personal boundaries, identity, and understanding of how to communicate and coming up with how to interact with them. Then fitting all of that into whatever social context you're in. For some of us, this comes pretty naturally and our brains do all of this for us in a split second. For others, it may take some practice, but it'll be worth it and you and all of your relationships will benefit.

Here's a quick summary of a few things to be cognizant of when taking part in non-verbal communication (all the time). Non-verbal communication:

1. Affects verbal communication

• Can replace a verbal message 
• Can reinforce a verbal message
• Can contradict a verbal message

2. Shapes the relationship we're building with another person

• How we look at someone - gaze
• The distance between you
• The use of touch
• When and how our voice rises and falls

3. Directly communicates our emotions before and during verbal messages

• The look on our face (happy, sad, scared, angry, surprised, disgusted)
• The sound of our voice

That's it for this very basic article. Be sure to share this with your socially awkward friends/enemies, the people who stand way too close to you, and your one friend who is always making uncomfortable advances to strangers with complete lack of self-awareness! Stay tuned for more.

One Simple Tool to Declutter Your Mind

I'm a huge scatterbrain.

I tend to have 100 things on the go and walk a fine line between getting a lot of stuff done and spreading myself too thin.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed when you have multiple projects with many people and variables involved.  

Sound familiar? 

Then it's time to get organized and get some of this work done! Something I've used for years to get my thoughts in order are mind maps. 

I know some of you might be hesitant to use these, but if what you're doing isn't working it's time to try something new. If you are a visual or abstract thinker, mind maps can be very helpful for organizing your thoughts.

I've used mind maps for years and coached others in using them to plan and focus. Here's a simple run down of how mine work:

1. Open up a blank page in a workbook or unroll some poster-board and jot down what you want to benefit from your planning in the center of the page. (For example: "My life", "My business", "School" etc...). We will call this your Primary Category. 

2. Next,  write down what you might call subgroups of the Primary Category you've written down. The things that make up that category (For example, if you wrote down "My Life" you might put down some of the things that you're currently working on or want to focus on going on in your life, such as work, diet, school etc...). Try to break it down into anything that seems important related to your first category. We will call these Secondary Categories.

   

3. From here, you want to further break down the Secondary Categories. For your mind map to be worthwhile to you, you will usually have to go at least this far. If your next steps haven't become clear, you have to keep going. If you've tried making a mind map before and stopped here, that is probably why it wasn't effective. If you still feel lost you need to keep breaking these categories down. 

It takes at least three levels of breaking down to get past the superficial thoughts that we tend to get hung up on. At the third level of breaking down categories, we start to see some new things. We might notice that it can become a little bit harder to think of what our secondary categories were made up of. At this point, the way you break down the Secondary Categories might become more abstract. This is okay, your mind map isn't for anybody else: it's for you, and what matters is that you understand it. 

It's usually our basic level of understanding of what we're doing and why we're doing it that makes it seem overwhelming. Mind mapping forces us to break down what we are doing and why we're doing it enough that we better understand not only what we need to do to accomplish what we must, but also so that we can assess, prioritize, and evaluate what we're working on or what we want.  

For example: 

It starts to look a little bit more complicated right? 

As you can see in the diagram above, the sub-categories beyond the Secondary Categories take on a bit of a different form depending on what the Secondary Categories mean to you and what you value or want to accomplish. 

I put vegetables under diet because, despite being an adult, I don't eat enough broccoli. 

That's a simple example because it's already at the level of being a specific goal. From there I might simply want to jot down a note on how I will accomplish that goal.

Example:

Diet -> Vegetables -> Make meals at home once a day (make it realistic for you)

 You don't want to waste too much time on the things that are already fairly clear to you, those aren't the reason why you're stressed or lost. It's the more complex things that require a deeper level of understanding, You'll notice at this stage that some of the subgroups are still categorical while some feel more like specific goals. In the example, "Marathon" may already be at the level of a specific goal to your understanding, whereas "Project 1" for "Work" may still be a looming, not well understood monster full of confusing variables and a variety of tasks. 

4. The less specific subcategories here need to be broken down further. As we were saying, if "Project 1" still seems daunting, it has to be broken down into tasks, goals and outcomes so that it can become manageable. Here is an example of what that could potentially look like:

As you can see, things start become much more clear and manageable by this point. This is where you might have an A-ha moment and can then go on to realize that some things can be delegated, maybe aren't necessary, and make some specific to-do lists. Once you've broken everything down to the level of some specific tasks or desired outcomes, you can use a highlighter or make a list to help prioritize these items and best use your time in the most productive way. Continue to break down the items until they are at an understandable and specific level. Put this up on your wall and review it or re do it until you are where you need to be. Check things off as you accomplish them. 

 You can apply this method to almost anything. Listing the pros and cons of a decision, planning a big project, mapping out your goals with your spouse and how you want to accomplish them, group projects... the list goes on. Mind maps can be a very useful tool, especially if you tend to be more of a 'visionary' or big picture type of thinker and it takes more effort for you to drill in on specifics to make your big dreams a reality. 

3 Ways to Motivate Your Team

If you've just started leading a team of people, it can be a steep learning curve. Especially if you're stepping into an established organizational culture.  

Is your team engaged, or just present? Do they seem to care about what they're doing? 

Having a disengaged team will at best make your organization stagnant and at worst hurt you and your organization beyond belief. Having a highly motivated team will help your organization reach levels of success and productivity that you may not have thought possible. If you're struggling with this you already know first hand. If you've been on a winning team you might be able to identify how good leadership can contribute immensely to motivation. Let's articulate some of those things that good leaders use to motivate and break them down into actions we can take. 

Here's three key concepts that changed how I think about leadership and that I've used to better motivate my teams: 

1) Be Curious and Care

Be curious about your team. Care about your team. Care about your work. Care about your organization. 

Leadership roles typically come with a degree of control and a power dynamic attached to them. Used intelligently, this puts you in the driver's seat for motivating your team. 

First, remember the obvious. Beyond whatever your roles are in relation to each other in your organization, you're a human being and they are too. This is important because it's at the heart of motivation. Understanding what your employees care about, what matters to them, what they want and need, gives you insight into how to get them engaged.

Think about it. What motivates you? Think about places you've worked or volunteered. What made it a good or a bad place to work? You'll probably think of the manager or other leader. Things they did or didn't do. How you either felt appreciated and like what you did mattered, or like it was a waste of time and energy. You either felt valuable, or like you were treated as just another number. 

Remember this feeling. Let it guide how you communicate with your team. 

You know how it feels to have a leader who just can't engage or doesn't make the effort to. You know how demotivating this is. Do not be that person. 

Pay attention to what your team is saying. Value their input. Listen. Find out about what's going on with them. You don't have to be friends, but you need to have a mutual understanding and respect if you're going to motivate them. 

Remember that you only exist as a leader in relation to your team. You aren't doing this alone. Your mission is to lift them to new heights, to inspire, you're part of the team not something separate from it. 

To do this you will have to make time for it. Make time to talk to your team. One on one and in groups. Some things will come out and become apparent to you in the group, others will only come out in one on ones.

Yes this can be hard or seem like a lot of work. Understand that the biggest challenge is overcoming your own mental conditioning. It isn't as hard as it seems and is a skill you can develop, you'll become more comfortable with practice. It takes time, but it is definitely worth it. Building relationships with your team where they feel like you care will keep them going when they're having an off day.  

Remember that your team members are the heroes in their own stories, not you. In their eyes, your job is to empower them. You're just helping them get to where they want to be.  

Are you leading in a curious and caring way? Use the inner dialogue of considering the three A's as you go about interacting and making decisions:

 

Ask - Ask questions, stay curious, ask yourself questions, reflect on changes in behavior and ask questions about them.  

Appreciate - Appreciate responses, appreciate actions, appreciate outputs and outcomes, celebrate your team, recognize your team, value your team's accomplishments, encourage and push forward.

Action - After asking questions and gathering information, evaluating and understanding circumstances and situations, take action.     

2) Communicate Constantly

One of the biggest mistakes that a leader can make is not communicating clear expectations. If people don't know what they should be doing, you really can't fault them for their disengagement. As leaders, we fail by not setting up a foundation for everyone's success. You may have a vision, but people can't buy into it if it isn't communicated or understood. 

If they don't know what to do, provide direction. 

If they know what to do, do they have everything (tools, resources, support) they need to do it properly? 

Ask yourself these questions and ask your team these questions.

Use the three A's constantly. 

Ask, Appreciate, and take Action.  

As a leader, it is your responsibility to make space for the conversations that need to happen. Whether it is regular team meetings or one on ones, you have to create that space. You have to make the time for it and organize it. 

When you have that space, that is your opportunity to work towards the changes you need. Often, your team is looking to you for guidance and about what to do to be valued and appreciated. These are huge intrinsic motivators for people. You set the stage for what behaviors are valued in the organization, and it really does come from you and your communication (or lack of communication) with them.    

This is your team. You need these people and they need you. Show appreciation for the things that they do, treat them as the competent and valuable people that they truly are. It takes time to build up a culture of trust and respect, if you do this very deliberately from the beginning with new recruits it will make it all the easier. 

3) Collaborate and Coach

Empower your team and support them. Give them the tools that they need to do what is expected of them. 

No, not every decision needs to be made by committee, but your team will be engaged when they feel a sense of ownership over what they're doing.  As a leader, you're a coach guiding your team to succeed at achieving the shared vision. You establish and cultivate that shared vision and then make and implement the plan with the team. 

Everything is about them and their success, amplified through the organization, facilitated by you. When you know what they want and need, you can work with them to bring out their strengths for incredible results. You have to ensure they see the value of being part of the team, of the organization and it's values, and of themselves. 

Deal with problems through discussion. Be assertive and use data and documented information to back up what you're saying. Remember, this is a human being who is going through something too. Never make a personal attack. Your mission is the success of the organization and that depends on the success of the team behind it. A team that depends on each of it's valuable people. Get to the bottom of it, ask the right questions, understand the problem, then make decisions about it.  

Kick Stress Today. 5 Real Tips You Can Try Right Now.

If you've never been stressed and don't get what the big deal is, turn off your laptop, put your head down on your desk or the magical (presumably soft, cotton-y) cloud that you're living on, close your beautiful eyes on your wrinkle free, remarkably soft face, and go back to sleep. 

For everyone else who goes through stress on a semi-regular or regular basis, come on in.

I had to write about stress today because it can be a massive productivity killer. 
If you've experienced this, you know exactly what I'm talking about: you feel so overwhelmed that you opt to do nothing rather than deal with the list of things you have on your plate.

First, take a deep breath. You're not alone. 

Stress is one of the most widespread and debilitating problems that many of us deal with on a daily basis. In a sense, stress is a really mean and imposing pirate that is hijacking your body against all of your rational sensibilities. 

When you're under a lot of stress, you'll find it tough to think about anything other than the stressor, and your non-essential bodily functions are thrown aside as your body goes into "fight or flight" mode. Your immune system's down (uh oh you're getting sick), your reproductive system's down (sorry honey), and your digestive and growth systems aren't working so well.

Let me just pause for a second here and apologize for stressing you out by describing stress. 
It's important to understand what's going on in our bodies and why dealing with stress in healthy ways matters.

Bare with me...  

The other problem with this stress is... you probably don't have to fight or run away from anything. Your life is most likely not being threatened at the moment (hopefully) and you also probably can't run away from whatever it is that your mind would prefer to avoid.
This is absolutely key to beating the stress you're feeling. 

Read it again. 

Say it to yourself:
"I'm not currently running for my life from a predator who is trying to eat me.
I'm not currently running for my life from a predator who is trying to eat me.
I'm not currently running for my life from a predator who is trying to eat me."


If you are, call the police and stop reading until you are in a safe place.  

I'm making a big deal about this because it's how you're going to start take the steps to beat your stress. Something important to do not just for the immediate benefits to your ability to get things done, but for your long term health and the people around you who are putting up with your stressed out ass everyday. 




According to Robert Sapolsky (Titan of stress research & Professor of Neurology and Neurological Sciences at Stanford, all around intellectual bad-ass), "If you plan to get stressed like a normal mammal, you had better turn on the stress response or else you're dead. But if you get chronically, psychosocially stressed, like a Westernized human, then you are more at risk for heart disease and some of the other leading causes of death in Westernized life." (from here)



Makes sense though right? If you've been under extreme stress you may have felt like leaving entirely or throwing your phone off of a bridge (Spoiler alert: if your stress is this bad, it might not be a completely terrible idea to lose your work phone). You may have gotten sick, said something you regret to someone you care about, not gone to work or class, etc... 

The point is, you aren't totally screwed. Even if you have been experiencing chronic stress for a long time. Even if you have deeply embedded trauma from your childhood and stress has been a feature of your life as long as you've known. You aren't screwed. 

Sapolsky goes on "We are capable of social supports that no other primate can even dream of, for example, I might say, 'This job, where I'm a lowly mailroom clerk, really doesn't matter. What really matters is that I'm the captain of my softball team or deacon of my church'—that sort of thing. It's not just somebody sitting here, grooming you with their own hands. We can actually feel comfort from the discovery that somebody on the other side of the planet is going through the same experience we are and feel, I'm not alone. We can even take comfort reading about a fictional character, and there's no primate out there that can feel better in life just by listening to Beethoven. So the range of supports that we're capable of is extraordinary." 

Sapolsky notes that "An extraordinary finding that's been replicated over and over is that once you get past the 25 percent or so poorest countries on Earth, where the only question is survival and subsistence, there is no relationship between gross national product, per capita income, any of those things, and levels of happiness."

What does this all mean for how we can reduce our own stress levels, you ask? 
Let's break it down into 5 things and how to do them:

1) Slow the hell down pt. I 

Have you noticed how when you're stressed and rushing around you end up forgetting things? Here's the thing. If you're already running late for that meeting, you may as well do it gracefully. Coming in like a wrecking ball might be popular in some circles, but your co-workers, friends, or family would probably be happy to just receive a call or message informing them that you're running a little bit behind and an estimate of when you will get there. Slowing the hell down pt I is the mental process of slowing down. In other words, starting inside and working out. Get control of yourself mentally and emotionally. This can be done through the art of self-talk (try it first) or a similar mental process of breaking down how you're feeling. Imagine yourself through the eyes of someone else at the moment. Imagine if you were being filmed and shown the footage, do you like what you see? What would you change about it? You don't have to be ashamed of yourself, everyone gets stressed but it's how we deal with it that matters, right? For small stressors it might be enough to simply ask yourself "Could I be dealing with this better?" 
If working through the stress in such an intangible, imaginative way isn't working for you then try #2.   

2) Slow the hell down pt. II

The "Slow the hell down pt. II" technique is about starting with your body and working your way in. This has historically been referred to as such things as: "taking a breather" or "going for a walk". Part of the reason for the historical popularity of these techniques is the fact that they often work. Taking five minutes to get out of your head and into your body can have a huge impact on how you're reacting to stress. This can be something as simple as stopping at the washroom after a long day at work, splashing some cold water on your face and consciously just releasing some of the tension from your body. That sounds vague, I know. Think about it though. When you're stressed, your body is tense. 

Soften your face.

Breathe. 

Consciously, do an inventory from head to toe of your muscles. Tighten them up and then release and relax them one by one. This might take 5 minutes.

You probably know best what this can look like for you, and if you don't you might have to experiment a bit in order to find what works. A lot of this is going to fall under self care. Common examples are: exercise, drawing a warm bath, the act or ritual of making a hot cup of tea, light some scented candles and just do some stretches.  

3) Re-evaluate 

Sometimes our stress can come about as a result of our values and beliefs. The things that we choose to give priority to over others. For example, you might be feeling stressed about your job or your business. This piece of your life might be something of significant value to you. You may have spent a long time going to school to study for this path, you then spent years working your way up. This piece of your life is a deeply embedded part of your identity. To you, it seems like it is who you are and you're scared to lose it or change. No, not scared. Terrified. Who would you even be? Not to mention that all of your friends and family know you as that person. Oh yeah, and the money. You make pretty good money and you need that. You believe you're stuck there. You don't have enough time to spend with your family or to take care of the basic things you think you should at home. You don't have time for bubble baths, running on ellipticals, doing breathing exercises and all that other crap in #2. I'm using this example because it's a common scenario. Finding the sweet spot when it comes to work/life balance is tough and the experience is going to be different for each of us. The point is, if something is creating a lot of stress in your life then it has to change. And you have to make the conscious choice to change it. Whether it's how you manage it, how much value you place on it, or getting away from it entirely, you'll have to make that decision and work towards it. 

4) Get Social, Go Play

So you haven't had any luck with the intrinsic, personal tips? 
Don't worry, you still aren't screwed! There isn't one answer that's going to work for everybody, and reprogramming your brain to be less stressed might take a combination of some or all of these techniques. A good distraction can go a long way. No, I don't mean repressing your feelings and burying yourself in your own anxious dread. It can be helpful to get out and remember that the world keeps on spinning. Friends and family can be great for this. Many of us have wonderful support networks of people to spend time with. If you don't, remember it's never too late to build new relationships and meet new people (although it can seem daunting). Making a new friend, joining that hobby class, or maybe just going out and being amid others can sometimes be a good way to get some happy hormones blasting through your system. If you have a close friend who you're comfortable talking to it might help to share and get your thoughts out. 

5) Talk to Someone 

Remember what we said earlier? That you aren't a total freak for feeling stressed, that it's a very normal human experience? Remember that? It may be the case that talking to a totally external third party may be helpful. I'm talking about a social worker, a therapist, a doctor. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it could make the difference between feeling trapped in your stress and breaking free from it or coming up with some strategies for managing your stress in a healthier way. It might be that you're stressed out about something very complicated or sensitive. Maybe you feel embarrassed about it. Whatever the case, a trained professional can offer helpful advice about what the next steps could be.


That's it. Remember, you aren't functioning optimally if you're subjecting yourself to stress all the time. Many of us function well under a bit of pressure, but if stress is becoming a problem for you try to slow down, re-evaluate, and connect with someone! You'll find you're getting more done, feeling less run down, and the people around you will thank you for it too.