Small Business in Canada and the Future of Marketing

People sometimes ask why we work with small businesses and people just starting out. 

The main reason why we started CRFT New Media was to provide the support we wished that we had when we were getting started, while doing what we love. Starting a new business, NGO, big art project, or other initiative has various levels of risk. It also involves navigating systems you might be unfamiliar with and building new skills. These can sometimes be significant barriers to making something happen that could otherwise greatly benefit the community. We've gone through the processes and made the mistakes so you don't have to, and we want to support you in getting to where you want to be using the skills that we have. 

Digital communication and communication tools are rapidly changing and have the ability to make a big difference for people just entering the market or entering a new phase of growth. You don't have to break your bank to get your message out, and if it's something that will benefit the community as a whole we'll bend over backwards to make it happen. Marketing is no longer about one way communication. More than ever, it's about relationships and dialogue.

We work with the clients we do because we believe in them. Our clients are people who practice social responsibility or contribute to the community in meaningful ways. Evolution Carpentry for example has a focus on sustainable building practices. Double Lunch Productions is dedicated to promoting the music community of Edmonton. Balan-Baalis provides trauma and healing support to refugees. The Alberta Men's Network is dedicated to supporting men in having healthy relationships and improving personal well-being. You've got a vision, we want to make it happen. 

We believe that a company is only as valuable as it's social contributions, and that social contributions are a whole lot more than just contributing to GDP and providing employment. It means giving to the community deliberately. We believe that small businesses emerging at this time have a big role to play in this evolving landscape and we want to support them in making the impact they want to. 

Just like our fellow Gen Y peers, we support socially responsible businesses, local economies, community development, the enrichment the arts bring to communities, and maintain an entrepreneurial attitude toward problems.  

 

According to Industry Canada:

• In Canada, over 100,000 businesses started on average per year between 2002-2007.
  
• As of December 2015, there were 1.17 million employer businesses. Of these, 1.14 million (97.9%) businesses were small businesses.
  
• Alberta has the most SMEs (Small and Medium sized Enterprises) relative to the population, with a ratio of 50 per 1,000 population.
  
• Micro-enterprises (firms with 1 to 4 employees) constitute 54.1% of all private employers. If employer businesses with 5 to 9 and 10 to 19 employees are included, they account for 86.2% of employer businesses.
  

Canada is a country of small businesses, entrepreneurs, and deep community roots. In our view, every business and organization is an act of community development that should strengthen and build others up through the valuable service it provides.

CRFT New Media based in Edmonton and Calgary, Alberta, Canada, works with small businesses, non-profits, community groups, artists, and other visionaries to come up with affordable and accessible marketing and communications solutions. 

Three Easy Ways to be More Charismatic

Some people seem magnetic to us. What is it about them? Do they have some quality we admire or respect greatly? How are they so charismatic? 

Chances are we wish we could have more of that aura that allows them to seem so likeable and influential. 

A lot of research has now been done into charisma and what it is that makes someone charismatic. Much of it has to do with certain things we've already discussed like body language and how we communicate, but let's dig into a few easy ways we can all become a bit more charismatic.

My google search defined charisma right away as "compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others". Let's not confuse attractiveness for physical qualities though. Attraction is a psychological state that, like everything, depends on context. So far charisma sounds a lot like being likeable and persuasive, but also revered. In other words, it means that people admire and respect you enough to allow your influence, and more so than they might normally. 

Clearly charisma is very helpful to us if we can learn how to be better at it, and we'll get to some easy ways to practice charisma soon but first let's make a few things clear:

• Nobody is born charismatic.

• Nobody with great charisma is charismatic 24/7. 

• Since being charismatic mostly has to do with behaviours and the social and cultural context of the behaviours, it is something we can all learn to do better through practice. 

I also want to stress that charisma takes many forms. Just like we talked about with power, we all have strengths, so don't wear yourself out stressing about how you think your voice sounds weird, or you aren't loud enough, or sexy enough, graceful enough, or brilliant enough. Charisma is mostly about becoming self-aware so we can build on our strengths and minimize our weaknesses.  
   
We have to let go of the idea that we are not charismatic, because we will never be what we don't allow ourselves to be. Even if you don't think of yourself as charismatic, drop the idea entirely that you are incapable of being so. 

Bias is going to be a theme of this article, and one of the psychological factors that sometimes hurts us is negativity bias. We tend to focus on the bad and not remember the good so much. Sometimes this helps us grow when we think critically about something genuinely terrible that we did, but sometimes it inhibits us from moving on or thinking of ourselves as the capable and competent people that we truly can be. 

Remember, none of us are perfect by the cultural standards imposed on us, but there are a few things we can do that have been proven time and again to improve our charisma. They have a lot less to do with superficial factors as they do with interpersonal skills we can all practice.

1. Question yourself 

You might be thinking "What do you mean, question myself? You just spent a paragraph telling me that I am enough and that I'm special and to not beat myself up about how imperfect I am!"

Yes we are imperfect, and that's okay, but in order to get we really do need to give. 

One of the ways that we are imperfect is that we form biases. We all do. We learn to turn away from people who aren't "like us". We talk over them in conversation. We don't say hi to them in the morning when we stumble into work. Most of the time it's all very subtle. We usually don't even notice we do it, and we usually don't have to because nobody calls us out on it. Most people don't say "hey you're ignoring me" or "hey you're interrupting me" because they're polite and probably something they've become accustomed to. What they're more likely to do is care less about helping you out when you need something, and yeah, they're telling their friends about the jackass they work with on half price wine night.    

If we want to be more charismatic, we have to make a deliberate point of addressing our biases. We all have them and it doesn't help to pretend they don't exist. 

Here are just a few examples of factors we commonly form biases based on:

• Race

• Language

• Gender

• Social class

• Physical ability

Identify what yours are and deal with them. We can start by taking mental note of when we feel uncomfortable or defensive in a social situation or with a topic of discussion. From there it's a matter of asking ourselves why we feel this way and breaking down if there is any rational reason for it. If there isn't, which most of the time there isn't, it could be connected to a bias we've developed. 

Secondly, take a close look at some of those common ones that we listed above. There is a very good chance that even though we might think or believe in human equality we don't actually treat people fairly and equitably. Make a conscious effort to include people in conversations. Make a conscious effort to break down your own barriers to treating others fairly. Practice until it becomes something that doesn't require so much conscious effort. Then consciously remind yourself and practice some more. 

Here's an example of a real situation that I was in where I learned a couple of valuable lessons about bias and charisma:  

A number of years ago I had an important job interview. Of course I was nervous, as we tend to be in job interviews.

It was my first time being interviewed by more than one interviewer. There were two of them and they were both highly and equally important people in the organization. 

They were both pretty terrifying to me honestly, but I managed to make it through the interview and made the cut. I actually felt pretty good about how I did, I thought I answered their questions well and kept myself very composed. 

Afterwards, they gave me feedback which challenged my perception of the interview.

One of them asked me "do you not like me?"

I was completely shocked. They both laughed which helped break the tension.

"You hardly looked at me the whole interview, and barely acknowledged me with your answers" he explained.

I felt pretty embarrassed but when I thought about it, he was completely right. Their point in telling me this was that it was something I could now think about and work on.  

They explained that the interview was in fact staged to create a subtle "good cop, bad cop" situation in order to see how interviewees responded to different personality types. 

They were both about the same age, race, and gender, but one interviewer was more conventionally good looking, smiling, more charismatic you could say. One was more "rough" looking, he had some noticeable scars on his face, he refrained from smiling almost the entire interview, and when he asked questions they were challenging. 

Rather than acknowledging him as an equal, I turned away because on a subconscious level that I hadn't even noticed, I shut him out. As embarrassing as this situation felt, I appreciate this lesson every day, it helped to make me more conscious and open minded to addressing my own weaknesses.

Try to visualize this open mindset, ready for growth. Keep that open mindset as we continue to the second tip for practicing charisma. 

2. Be Curious and Listen 

I could have chosen to disregard the lesson I just shared from that story. I could have chosen to believe that something was just wrong with them and lament how unfair it was that they staged that situation without even warning me! How cruel right? 

The thing is, they were absolutely right and if I hadn't chosen to really listen to them I would have failed many future interviews and not caught myself making that same mistake again in other social situations. This is one reason why listening is so important, it can reveal hidden truths and vitally important information that we need to make good decisions.

 The other huge effect that listening has is it actually makes people care more about you. Surprise surprise, people want to be around others who care about them, value them, and pay attention to them. 

Listening is not just silence. Listening is not just empty turn taking. It is communicating that you value what that other person thinks, which really communicates that you value them as a person. 

Listening, and the precursor to it, asking questions, are some of the most powerful communication tools that we have. 

Be curious and ask open ended questions. Find out more about the people you're with. Pay attention and try to remember what they tell you. Not only does the act of this actually strengthen your relationship, it also will help you find meaningful common ground. We tend to see the world through our own little box and isolate ourselves from others or see ourselves as different or even opposed to them. Engaging in dialogue like this helps remind us that we are all much more alike than we are different, an important part of breaking down those biases we talked about earlier. 

Through this process of learning and discovering more about the people around us, we may just find that people become a lot more receptive to what we have to say as well. 

3. Help others

The last tip has to do with power. Something we've discussed at length, but something we can never discuss enough. 

Let's make one thing perfectly clear. Power is not charisma. Charisma may make you appear more powerful, but power alone is never charisma. If we think back on experiences in our lives, most of us know this first hand. Feeling like we were treated as less than by someone in a position of real or perceived power. It's frustrating and leads to resentment. 

Power becomes charismatic when it is used with kindness and giving. Like we said earlier, people care about others who make them feel genuinely valuable and valued. Power becomes charismatic when it is used to build understanding or give a platform to something. You'll remember your favorite teachers and bosses probably being the ones who made you feel empowered, who helped bring out the best in you. You probably felt that they believed in you and your ability. 

That's what it looks like to use power generously, not recklessly. Build people up, make space for them, include them, invite them to the conversation, stand up for them, pay attention to them, recognize their concerns and experiences as legitimate. If we recklessly use power and hurt someone, take ownership of it and take steps to make amends. 

Remember we all have various forms of power, identify what yours are in order wield them responsibly. People will appreciate it, just as you did when others did so for you.       

That's it! Just for a quick summary :

• Make a deliberate effort to positively engage others, especially those who challenge your assumptions and taken for granted behaviours and beliefs
• Approach relationships with genuine curiosity and listen actively and generously. Get to know people, find common ground
• Be self aware about power and use it with kindness

The theme throughout this is to make a point to show care and value others. If this seems unnatural, "fake it till you make it". We are all creatures of habit, but more importantly we are creatures who form habits through practice!

The Power to Solve People Problems: 5 Practical Paths

People are complicated, so it makes sense that problems involving people are complicated too.

They're complicated because the perceptions, emotions, and goals of others are often different from our own and don't always seem to make a lot of sense to us.

When we don't understand where someone else is coming from or what they want from an interaction it makes us uneasy. It leads to uncertainty and we, as human beings tend to hate uncertainty.

We bend over backwards to try to control situations so that we feel more certain, we put things in place and take great measures to build up an illusion of control. We seek out more information and try to put together a coherent story in our minds about who they are and what they want based on the little information that we have.

We want power in order to manage uncertainty. We want to avoid uncertainty. We have our own goals and outcomes that we want to achieve and the idea that we won't get them is terrifying. We want to succeed, and that means we want to prevent failure. Uncertainty is a good way to sum up a lot of what we fear and don't understand.

Naturally, we have to face uncertainty. Especially in interactions with people.

We meet new people and interact with strangers. We give a presentation to a room full of people we don't know. We drive down crowded streets passing and weaving by hundreds of people with their own perceptions, experiences, and goals.

As much as we may try to avoid having to deal with a situation that makes us a little bit uncomfortable, we will inevitably have to. We can go to the self check out at the grocery store and order food delivered to us. We might avoid having a weird interaction or confrontation with a stranger for years, even decades. It's much more likely that we will have to deal with problems in our everyday relationships, the people we spend time with or see at work day in and day out. Our partners or friends. When that happens, we're going to have to choose to do something.

Power, in one form or another is apparent in every relationship. There are unique and compounded power dynamics in every interpersonal problem we face. For example, an employer having a difficult talk with an employee may have a different approach to the situation than two co-workers or friends talking to each other about a sensitive subject. In both situations there is bound to be stress as there always is in having hard conversations, but the degree of that would be influenced by the power dynamics of the relationship. An employer who has legitimate power to reward and punish an employee will probably not be as stressed out about the interaction as the employee who is worried about losing their job. The same goes for a lot of different social interactions and perceived power. The relationship between a teacher and a student. A woman and her father. A 12 year old boy and his best friend. There are an infinite number of scenarios we could think of for types of relationships and what happens when they come into conflict. If we looked at them all we could identify the different sources of power that the parties have and make decisions about what their best moves might be. In real life we don't have the time to sit back and think about it like that in the heat of the moment, but we do have the time and capacity to think about the situations we commonly face and how they can play out.

So is the employee powerless then? Doomed to a life of uncertainty and dread?

No, is the short answer to this simple hypothetical situation. Everyone has power. 

Is that power equal? No, very rarely.

This is the tension that is a part of every relationship if we really sat down to think about it. There is a degree of uncertainty, and that becomes apparent in times of conflict. In strong relationship we know how to talk to each other, we're aware of ourselves and the way we're perceived. We pay attention to what the other is saying and know what builds them up and what their sensitivities are. We take care to not harp on their sensitivities because we care about the relationship. We don't want to damage them, they're our co-worker, our friend, our employee or our boss. We understand the power that we have, that lets us feel confident about ourselves and we understand the power dynamics of our relationships. With all that said, here are 5 practical takeaways around using our own unique power to solve problems:

1. People hate uncertainty. 

Prevent interpersonal problems by giving people the information they need to assess the situation. Try to think interdependently. We have to learn to acknowledge the fact that relationships aren't all about us. Counter-intuitively this means we sometimes have to share things about ourselves and what we want and need to help others understand us. The first step seems obvious but is something we don't really think about in depth that often. Define what your really want and why you want it for yourself. Figure out what outcomes you want before going into that meeting. Be intentional about what the point is of you doing an activity. Sometimes the answer might be "to relax" or to "have fun" but decide that for yourself and name it, be honest with yourself and the people around you about your intentions.  

2. Conflict is inevitable.

Our goals are going to be different from someone else at some point. We may come into disagreement on an opinion. We will make mistakes. That's inevitable. Being right is not a worthwhile outcome. Solving a problem is. We tend to worry too much about defending our egos and not enough about solving problems in a constructive way. We will come into conflict, we must prepare ourselves to handle it as adults.  

3. Everyone has power.

This is maybe the single most important point, and one that only you can figure out for yourself. Without recognizing the power that we do have, we either end up feeling helpless, or we end up recklessly wielding our power like a giant toddler.

What power do you have? Do you have some kinds of recognizable power in society? Do you have a unique education or specialization? Do you have skills and abilities that you enjoy and that seem to impress others? Think about these things. It's important and will make you more comfortable in social situations. You've had an entire lifetime of experiences. The point is, there are powers that you have that nobody can take away from you. Maybe you're strong, maybe you're tall, maybe you have an incredible voice. Maybe you're a kind and generous person. These might be things you were born with, cultural norms you exemplify, or skills or knowledge you've gained. You will have varying degrees of these powers. Being self aware about these things will help you to not only better understand how you may be perceived in different social situations to help you make smart decisions, but will give you the self confidence and social sense to deal with problems effectively when they come up. Circumstances you're in might add or remove certain powers, people might underestimate you, but don't ever do yourself the disservice of disempowering yourself. Think about the power you have and own it.

4. Use power intelligently.  

Has anybody ever said to you "don't be an asshole." They just might be on to something (or not). Do take the time to consider criticism and look inward. If you're a key decision maker and you've harshly dismissed someone's idea, there is a good chance they felt personally attacked. If you approached a stranger on the street who is minding their own business to "compliment them" and were shocked when they only looked at you in disgust, there is a good chance that they're bothered by strangers all the time and have historically practical reasons to distrust strangers bothering them in the street. Context matters. Relationships matter. Any good manager or leader knows that you are only as good as your team. You could go around and enforce rules with fear by laying down punishments but people will not want to work for you and they won't be productive. They'll call in sick or they will quit. Relationships can amplify positive outcomes. If you're serious about wanting to have good relationships, that being ones that are mutually beneficial, you have to understand how to use power intelligently. Don't just blindly flail around destroying everything around you.

For example: You're having dinner with your family and your younger brother is trying to impress his new boo and introduce them to the family. You're joking around and bring up an embarrassing incident that happened in a past relationship. He is visibly upset and turns bright red. You immediately feel as though you betrayed him, but your ego gets in the way and says "he's being too sensitive, and shouldn't he just be over it by now anyway?". Really, no. He shouldn't. It's not your place to decide, it's not your life and not your experience. In fact, it's an experience that you have very little knowledge about. Put those judgments away and focus on your own actions and behaviours.

Think about the situation, think about the relationship, and think about the power dynamics at play. Just because you're the older sibling doesn't mean you have to dump on him, knowing that it is going to damage your relationship. Yes, jokes are things that are used to build relationships and ease tension in situations all the time. That's true. The point is that the appropriateness of a joke depends entirely on your audience, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. If you make jokes just to make yourself feel more comfortable with little or no consideration of the social context, you might want to rethink that approach.

If you speak just to fill empty space, you're probably not adding a lot of value to the conversation. It may be that you haven't done a very good job of including others. If you have the power and position to do so, consider that important and easy way to use power to build rather than damage relationships. Listen, consult, and pay attention. Not only will this make your relationships stronger, it will help you to better understand the people you're connected to and make decisions.

     

5. That power is not equal. 

You may have less or more power than someone else in a situation. Imagine you're making your pitch to a billionaire hedge fund investor. Stakes are high. You feel that they have the power to make or break your idea. Imagine you're in a job interview for a position you desperately want. Imagine you're on a first date with someone and are nervously gushing internally because you think they're out of your league. When we perceive that we don't have a lot of power in a situation, we tend to make it so and socially bury ourselves. Don't let this happen.

First of all, frame the situation in a way that empowers you. In general, people will mirror back to us what we put out there. Be present, be engaged. Remember that you are powerful, think about the power you have that you identified. You have something to offer that is valuable and worthwhile. Be considered as an equal by behaving as one. You can't control what they think of you, but there is a good chance that if you're feeling comfortable your presence will be better received. Remember, every relationship is interdependent. There is tension on both ends of an interaction. You're a human and so are they. If you're negotiating or dealing with a tense conflict, think very clearly and intentionally about the goals of you and the other party, think about who they are, who you are, and the power dynamics at play. Identify the sources of power for both of you and how you can come to a win-win agreement or compromise. Make allies that will help give you more referential power. A very powerful skill even if you have trouble identifying other sources of power for yourself can be your ability to make sound rational arguments and emotional appeals that are relevant and appropriate. Making a sound case and aligning goals just makes sense.

If you have more power in a situation, level the playing field. Recognize the situation and do your best to make other parties comfortable and feel accepted. Again, listen, consult, and pay attention. If you have something important to talk about together, you will come to a better outcome the more equal your relationship. When we say better outcome, we mean an outcome that is mutually beneficial and satisfying to the parties involved. Recognize your interdependence. This may mean you actually have to go out of your way to build trust, giving away power. We do this in relationships all the time. If you're a supervisor on a job site, you understand that enforcement and control might get employees to adhere to basic standards, but it will not take them to a deep level of commitment to their work, you, or the company as a whole. Leaders recognize that people have power and work to bring it out in them.

Despite all the complex layers of identity and power, at the core of our relationships, people want to feel valued and understood. If we try to keep those things in mind the rest will follow.

Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life

Most of us, knowingly or not, think of our lives as a story. We have an idea of what we think might happen next, feelings about what we want to happen, and our own understanding of what has happened in the story so far. This narrative of what has happened so far in our stories is what I'm writing about today. Our narrative explains how things currently are and how we got to where we are. It justifies how we see ourselves and the world around us.

Our narrative helps us to prioritize and filter out information. It helps us to justify our hopes and desires. It's foundational to our worldview. We build a coherent narrative for our lives to make sense of a complex world, one which we actually have very little control over. The problem with this is that we sometimes build a narrative that justifies or ignores ideas and behaviours that actually hurt us or the people around us. We sometimes take a self satisfying position. We build a narrative of our lives that fortifies our self doubt and helplessness, that either skims over or magnifies our flaws rather than looking at ourselves realistically and challenging us to improve.   

While we may not have control over external factors in our lives, we do have a lot of influence over our selves and the people around us. 

When something contradicts our own beliefs, values, or sense of self (summed up in our narrative) we either disregard it, or we get defensive about it. It can be easy to dismiss a challenge to our narrative. 

But... sometimes we really need to listen to those challenges. Sometimes it's the difference between us moving forward or staying in a rut. Sometimes we let ourselves get away with failing ourselves and the people around us and explaining it all away because we've framed a situation in a certain way. It's easy to make excuses and invalidate the experiences of others to serve our needs and enhance our sense of self. It's easy because it requires no further thought or consideration and many of us have not trained our minds to think in that way. 

It takes work and practice and an ongoing commitment to really thinking about the context and relationships involved in a situation to get better at this. It's a process, it's a journey. It's not some quick fix thing, but it's worth it. 

Think of the last time you felt upset towards someone or something. How did you react to that? Did you lash out? Did you spend the afternoon sulking? How much of this reaction was tied to your ego, or sense of self? How much of it was tied to your own expectations of how the situation would go?

Our expectations of the world emerge from our narratives, and are parameters that we're able to choose. Sometimes the situation isn't the problem. Sometimes there isn't someone else to blame.  Sometimes the problem really is in our narratives. Sometimes the solution is in empowering ourselves to take ownership of the circumstances we can. The problem is often in our own explanation or expectation. It's our expectations not being met that usually unsettles us, we hate uncertainty. Sometimes our narratives are not helpful or useful, sometimes we frame the world around us in a way that hurts us and the people around us.

That's important to think about.

It's not always necessary to change the situation, sometimes we're just looking at it the wrong way. 

Value the constructive criticisms, value the challenges, value the opportunities to grow, and value the experiences and perspectives of others. Don't interpret everything as a personal attack or a reason to just lay down and give up. Remember, this is a process. We won't always be perfect, but if we're doing our best and open to learning we're going to go a lot further than if we're closed off.

Self-Talk: How to manage emotions, think rationally, and repair situations

Allow me to set the scene by describing a situation that I found myself in a while ago that got me thinking about the way that I think. I was working in a high-paced environment in charge of a very stressed-out group of workers, when my project manager pulled me into his office for a private meeting. He told me that the project was under scrutiny from the client and that my department (the administration group, who already got jerked around quite a bit) would be moved from site to our head office resulting in major pay cuts to our team. I noticed my heart beat speed up, my mind start to search for answers, and my tone get defensive quick. I started arguing with my boss on my team’s behalf, and after a few minutes I had to leave his office before I really lost my cool. I went back to my office, slumped down in my chair, and immediately regretted my initial response.

As I stewed at my desk, I realized that the problem really wasn’t that big, and several solutions existed that would likely result in positive outcomes… so why was I so blind to this before? My initial emotional response interrupted my logical thought process and made the problem substantially harder to deal with. This initial response was also damaging to my relationship with my project manager, and ultimately did not help the situation at all. I found myself pining over different situations where I had similarly reacted solely on emotions, and began brainstorming actions I could take in the future to avoid such outbursts. My learning journey brought me to a concept called “self-talk”.

"Self-talk” is the process of creating inner dialogs with yourself to rationally and productively deal with situations that initially result in an emotional response. Self-talk is an amazing tool that has helped me manage my emotions in situations where logic is necessary but absent. It has also helped me stay cool and level-headed in stressful situations, and has given me insight into issues in a way that before seemed impossible.

You're probably asking yourself: how can I actively engage in self-talk when I feel emotions take the wheel during important discussions and debates? Thinking logically can be especially hard in the heat of the moment, so how can I kick-start the process? Engaging in self-talk isn’t the same for everyone, and different techniques may work better for you, but here are five tools that I use when I need to jolt my brain for logical thought.

It may seem obvious reading this, but is much harder to do in the moment: the best thing you can do when you find yourself feeling frustrated and emotionally charged is to separate yourself from the stressor. When a difficult situation arises and challenges your self-esteem your subconscious mind begins processing and dissecting the situation before your conscious mind has a chance to fully grasp what is happening. Your body's flight or fight response engages and your emotions take the drivers seat, often leading to bigger problems down the road. 

Point blank: you will not resolve the issue leaning on emotion alone, and your mind needs time to absorb and adjust to the situation. Take a walk, sit with your eyes closed, go for a drive, or meditate. 

I'll be the first to admit, there are a few holes in this first step. Sometimes you can't escape the person that is causing you stress. If you are in a meeting with your boss, telling him you need a minute alone might bode poorly, or if you're in the car with your partner, I don't recommend "ducking and rolling" to escape (although, the physical pain might make the emotional pain seem trivial). What I'm getting at, is that there will be times you cannot escape your stressor, in which case it is important to notice when emotional reactions set in and pay attention to how your subconscious mind reacts. If you cannot physically escape, take a brief moment to compose your thoughts, and try the next steps in this process internally. 

I'm sure a philosopher said it using beautiful metaphors, but I am not that, so I will say it in laymen terms: a healthy body fosters a healthy mind. When a stressor catches you off guard your body often reacts faster then your mind and it begins triggering different flight or fight responses before you've even had a chance to absorb the information you are receiving. Have you noticed a tingle down your back when you're told something negative? A weakness in the legs? A restlessness? Maybe your hands get cold and your heart rate speeds up? These physical reactions, in collaboration with your emotions, are your body's natural defense mechanisms at work, doing what they are designed to do: protect you from harm by removing logical thought from your "to do" list. The problem is the physical reaction was triggered by something that has no actual threat to your physical safety, and these reactions can actually hinder your ability to deal with highly stressful situations. 

When I notice my body reacting to a situation before my mind has had a chance to process, I try to do 3 things which help return my body to homeostasis so my brain can start thinking about the problem rationally: straighten my back, stand up tall, and ground myself by standing with my legs shoulder-width apart. This process may seem trivial, but doing such things will contradict your body’s natural response, and will help you avoid a spiral of emotion led by your subconscious.

Breathing is one of those automated human functions that we rarely think about, but has a huge impact on the way we react. Controlling your breathing is a simple activity, but it has a huge impact on your body's reaction to a situation, which directly influences your initial emotional response. 

My favourite breathing exercise is called the Belly Breathing Technique. Start by placing one hand on your stomach directly above your belt line and the other hand on your chest. Start by exhaling deeply, focusing on relaxing your shoulders and upper body. Close your mouth and breath in deep through your nose, focusing on your rising chest and filling lungs. Stop and hold the air in. Exhale slowly,  through your nose again, as long as feels comfortable. Repeat. 

This next step is designed to help you start engaging in productive self-talk. In order to constructively deal with your stressor it is important that you find a way to distance yourself from the initial event and look at it in a clinical and emotionally detached way. A great way to change your perception on the stressor is to simply write down every detail you can remember about the initial event. Write down the words that were said to you, what you said to the other person, comment on the tone of voice, the body language, the wording used, the speed of the conversations, how you felt at the time, how you think the other person felt at the time, and anything else that had an impact. Most importantly, try to determine the specific emotions you were feeling in the moment and what you are feeling as you write.

Active self-talk takes conscious effort and thought, and a headspace absent of the emotions felt at first offence. Detailing the situation (almost like a crime scene) will allow you to look at all the facts outside of your personal lens. This clarity may enlighten you as to why the situation played out the way it did, and may alter your reaction to what is happening. Additionally, identifying your emotions can help you run them through your logical thought process, and help  to reduce the level of emotion you feel.

In the moments following a tense interaction, your mind may be swimming with thoughts that are being influenced heavily by your emotions, but often if you think about the stressor in a logical way you can thwart your initial emotional response. In addition to the above tools, asking yourself guided questions can help trigger logical thought and put the situation into perspective.

•  Was all relevant information communicated, and is everyone on the same page? 
• Make sure that all parties have all the facts, so that at the very least, everything is transparent and open. Keeping your thoughts on the matter secret can hinder your ability to recover and could cause problems going forward. If the information wasn't properly communicated during the initial interaction it can be useful to calmly and rationally explain yourself at a future time, once the dust has settled. 
• What emotions ran through my head during the interaction? Are these emotions impacting my response?
• Being aware of your emotions and how they manifest in your body is a big part of understanding yourself. This process can be challenging as people inherently feel things, but do not often justify these feelings with descriptors. Saying to yourself "I am feeling X (EMOTION eg. anger, fear, sadness, etc.) right now, and it is manifesting itself as Y (PHYSICAL RESPONSE eg. butterflies in tummy, fast heart, sinking feeling, etc.)" is a powerful way to understand yourself and work through the emotions that are blocking your logical thought process. 
• What was the other person's likely thought process in the situation? What emotions are they feeling? 
• Putting yourself in someone else's shoes can help you understand the reason for their actions during a tense situation. Think about what they must be feeling towards you, what is going on in other areas of their lives, and their experiences that have led to this moment. When we are upset it can be easy to forget that other people are equally as complex as us, with diverse thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are intermingling with your own. Respect this, and understand it as you process the situation. 
• Are the results I am feeling going to have a lasting impact, or are they temporary? 
• How serious is this? Really. In the heat of the moment, uncomfortable situations can seem as though they are earth shattering, but often times they pass quickly, and the status quo returns again. Is this situation going to matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Most of the time, these things blow over quickly, and reminding yourself of that can help keep the severity in perspective. 
• Does this situation impact my entire life, or just a small portion?
• Again, in the heat of the moment a bad interaction can feel as though it will bleed into all parts of your life, which often is not the case. If the problem arose at work, likely you can escape it at the end of the day, and find comfort and support in your home life. It can feel as though a negative experience will devastate your entire life, but typically that is not the case. 
• What advice would I give a friend who brought this situation to me?
• Often times, we judge ourselves harder than our peers because we feel as though we are somehow different than those around us. We often look at situations in a light that paints us as the problem or victim in a situation, which is often not the case. If a friend you respect brought you the situation which is causing you stress, and asked for your advice, what would you say? Chances are you can see things a bit more clear when you aren't the one directly involved. 

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know.

Non-verbal Communication: What you need to know

Communications scholars and other scientists have long been aware of the important role of non-verbal communication. The tiny facial tics, the way we carry ourselves, how we may make eye contact with one person and avoid it with another. Some suggest that less than 10% of our communication is actually transmitted through our carefully or not so carefully selected spoken words.

This means that our non-verbal communication is hugely important.

The good news is that much of it is possible to change. To really look at how to do that better, we need to understand a few basic things.

Values and Norms 

Every one of us is seeing the world around us through a particular lens. While this worldview is our own in that probably nobody else will grow up in the exact same circumstances as us, it is still based in those circumstances. The worldview that we adopt is built out of the time in history and geographic location that we're living in. The way that we will choose to interact with the world around us will be mostly based on these ideas we've adopted. In that way, those ideas are handed down to us. Those are values. Social prescriptions determined by the circumstances that we're born into. Norms are acceptable behaviours based on values.

Yes, this has everything to do with how we communicate.

Culture

Culture is a term used to describe how any group of people explains the world around them and how to interact with it. Culture guides values and norms, it is the system of beliefs that cultivates and supports them. It includes how we behave, the language(s) we are expected to speak, the shared or common meaning of gestures and words in the language. It's often shaped by the complicated histories of the region where the culture dominates.

In terms of communication, we learn culturally what to expect from the people and the world around us. When these expectations are not met by us or by others around us, people tend to be upset because it seems to attack their worldview. The culture we've adopted helps to define a certain perspective and provide some guidelines about how to behave and communicate to build social bonds.

Of course these things vary from family to family, neighbourhood, town, etc.. but generally there's a dominant strain of culture that defines certain expectations and unwritten rules that the majority of people adhere to when out in the public interacting with others. The difference is in the level of immediacy of the communication. We learn about culture through a process of socialization.

Socialization

This is where it all ties together. Socialization teaches us how to use and interpret words and non verbal communication. This is where we start to run into problems.

Our culture attaches some generally agreed upon meaning to a word. A symbol and a sound. We learn these meanings in a certain time and place and attach our own personal understanding to them based on our worldview, our values and experiences. We then use these words to communicate our understanding of them. To put the idea out there that we want to convey. We need these words, we depend on these words.

The problem is that words sometimes have many different formal meanings, and unique personal meanings to individuals. It's not uncommon for people to choose meanings other than what you meant. In fact, it happens all the time.

You can probably think of times where you've been saying something that you thought was common knowledge, while your recipient looked confused or responded differently than you expected. Only to ask you a moment later what you meant by the words you chose. Think of the times in your life when you've been talking to a specialist in some field who has loaded their interaction with you up with jargon and forced you to make due with educated guesses based on their tone of voice and body language.

There is always much more being communicated than just words.

Non-Verbal Communication

When we aren't sure about what words mean, we look to the non verbal indicators to understand what the communicator is trying to say. Perceived meaning is based more on how something is said and how the messenger looks. The look on their face and tone of voice.

Basically, when we're not totally understanding what someone is saying, we use their non verbal indicators to fill in the blanks or make assumptions about what they're communicating.

For example, you're on vacation and aren't fluent in the use of the regional language. A local approaches you smiling and trying to tell you something. You're able to make out some of the basic words but aren't entirely sure what they said and so aren't sure how to respond. You apologize for your lack of understanding but leave the interaction feeling good because judging from their tone of voice, the look on their face, and their laid back body language you pieced together that they were just trying to tell you a joke as a friendly gesture. Getting back to your hotel you look up some of the words you picked up that weren't sure about and sure enough, they were telling you a joke that was actually pretty funny and unfortunately wasted on you.  

Non verbal indicators are going on all of the time and informing our understanding of every interaction we have. In this way, non-verbal indicators can reinforce or contradict verbal messages, sometimes negating what is actually being said (think shaking your head no while saying yes or curtly responding that your day was fine when asked "how are you?").

This is important to think about because it has a lot to do with building and changing our relationships. Most of the time, the non-verbal signals we're sending off during communication are unintentional, happening at a subconscious level. They're critical parts of our communication that we rarely think about or have much awareness of.

If we think about using non-verbal indicators more consciously and deliberately, we can use them to our advantage. We can start to identify and remedy behaviors that aren't helping us communicate the way we want.

Touch is a good example of a non-verbal signal. Touch can be a very powerful communicator. In Canada, we tend to be a generally low expressive culture. In many circles, touch is limited to handshakes and maybe a hug here and there. Although touch is often limited in it's use, it is still expected in many circumstances. To not shake hands coming into a job interview or meeting with a potential client would seem strange, even off putting to most, while a gentle hand on the shoulder or back can indicate closeness and warmth to a friend you're discussing something sensitive with. It seems to say "I'm here for you". A hug may say "I'm happy to see you" or "It was great to see you" with no verbal communication at all.

Like most communication, successfully doing this requires an understanding of the dynamic of your relationship with the person you're trying to communicate with. This basically means an ongoing assessment of their non verbal cues toward you and cross referencing that with your historical knowledge of who they are and how they like to communicate and are comfortable with. Then filtering that through your own personal boundaries, identity, and understanding of how to communicate and coming up with how to interact with them. Then fitting all of that into whatever social context you're in. For some of us, this comes pretty naturally and our brains do all of this for us in a split second. For others, it may take some practice, but it'll be worth it and you and all of your relationships will benefit.

Here's a quick summary of a few things to be cognizant of when taking part in non-verbal communication (all the time). Non-verbal communication:

1. Affects verbal communication

• Can replace a verbal message 
• Can reinforce a verbal message
• Can contradict a verbal message

2. Shapes the relationship we're building with another person

• How we look at someone - gaze
• The distance between you
• The use of touch
• When and how our voice rises and falls

3. Directly communicates our emotions before and during verbal messages

• The look on our face (happy, sad, scared, angry, surprised, disgusted)
• The sound of our voice

That's it for this very basic article. Be sure to share this with your socially awkward friends/enemies, the people who stand way too close to you, and your one friend who is always making uncomfortable advances to strangers with complete lack of self-awareness! Stay tuned for more.